Let's Try This, ok?

Well first off, the trial was continued. They had warned me that could happen and it did...so at least I don't have the stress of testifying BUT it is being rescheduled, sooo it will come again. *sigh* We get a reprieve for the moment!

Onto other stuff..Lately I have not felt well. I have been in bed for 4 days now and really have no energy, motivation or strength to do much. My hips have been  hurting for an unknown reason and well, the pain has been really intense as well as the spasms. My legs are literally jumping sometimes from them. I did cook Monday evening, I made Bacon Cheeseburgers and they loved it! So not sure what I'm doing later for dinner, but we shall see. 

Jake isn't feeling well and we have an appt. this morning to take him to the doc. I shouldn't say "we" because it is always ME that takes him because his own father can't be bothered with things like that! But anyways, he has a sore throat, large lymph nodes under his neck and ear drainage...so I made a appt. quick!!! lol. Making sure it isn't the H1N1..that would be our luck!

The doc is also starting me on a new medicine. A betaseron again. I had to go off Avonex because the side affects were becoming really bad and I just couldn't take it anymore. So it is have similar side affects but hoping they aren't as bad. The avonex worked in the beginning but after 18 months it faded and totally reversed itself. So we shall see and hoping this helps turn me around. I also have Fribromyalgia. That sucks too. I also feel like I have bugs crawling on me at various times. It's really weird feeling and TOTALLY creeps me out! I keep looking on my arms, head, hands to see even though I know there are no bugs crawling on me but it FEELS like it! Try doing that over and over everyday!! ICK!!! To know me I am a total BUG PHOBE!!! ICK ICK ICK!

Life will get back on track one way or another. I HAVE to get my life back because this one sucks! I need to be healthy, happy and totally back in my game! I have left things go for far too long!

My Uncle Doug on my father's side passed away on October 8th. He had Lung Cancer that spread to his bones and other places. It didn't take long for the Cancer to overcome him. I haven't seen my Uncle in 15+ years because of a family rift. My Aunt & my Grandma didn't approve of my mom and that I had Mike @ 16. Because of their treatment towards me & my kids, I chose to stay away from them. (My Grandma approved of Mike because he carries the last name Hermes.) Plus there is just so much drama with that side, it is unbelievable. But to not even mention my dad who STAYED with Edward & Brian while he was in Hospice, is just ..well words can't even begin to tell you! I should not be surprised by this but that is just wrong. My Aunt & everyone treated my dad like crap and you know, I'm just going to leave it alone and let karma work their magic. These people are so miserable and they only have themselves to blame for it!

DOUGLAS EDWARD DIXON
"Doug"
"Sonny"
Crown Point, Indiana

Douglas "Doug" Edward Dixon, "Sonny" age 67, of Crown Point, IN passed away on Thursday, October 08, 2009 at St Anthony Hospice Care Unit. He was born on February 19, 1942 in Hobart to Beryl and Irene Dixon. He married Mary Kay Hermes in 1962. Douglas was a retired millwright at Inland Steel for over 30 years. He was an avid fisherman. He was preceded in death by his parents; and sister, Norma Jean. Doug will be dearly missed by his loving family; his wife, Mary Kay; 2 sons, Edward (Christine) and Bryan Dixon all of Crown Point; daughter via guardianship, Janis Dixon of GA; sisters, Doreen, Phyllis, Debbie and Berylene; 3 grandchildren, Logan, Sydney and Kameron. Memorial Services will be held on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 at 7:00 p.m. at Trinity Lutheran Church, 250 S. Indiana Ave., Crown Point, IN. Friends may visit with the family at the church on Wednesday from 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. (time of service). Cremation at the Burns Funeral Home Crematory will precede the memorial service. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the American Lung Association, 115 W. Washington St., Suite 1180S, Indianapolis, IN 46204, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, 7330 Woodlane Drive, Ste. 201, Indianapolis, IN, 46278, or to St. Jude Tribute Program, P. O. Box 1000, Dept. 142, Memphis, TN 38148-0142. Burns Funeral Home, 10101 Broadway, Crown Point, IN in charge of arrangements.

::hugs & kisses::

Already?

Well, fall is upon us and so are the colder temps! WOW! It literally felt like one day summer and skip to fall 24 hrs. later!!!  I don't mind, I like the milder weather better but the rainy, drab days get my body every time!

We still haven't gotten everything out. Having a MS crisis really put me behind in EVERYTHING! Jake is love, Love, LOVING school here! He is ifnally happy and content with his life! He likes that everyone treats him well, the kids & staff alike! He also commented about the classes and he comes home wanting to get homework done. It's A-MAZING!

On a stressful note, the trial starts Oct. 15th. The only thing is that they actually subpoenaed Jake too. I go in 12 hrs to meet with the Prosecutor about it and go over testimony. I will have more details then. I am not happy at the prospect of even TAKING Jake there. He is finally becoming stable mentally and now they want to throw a wrench into this. It won't happen, not for him.

For me, it was a wake up call about it. I put this out of my mind for so long. The incident occurred June 11, 2007. Finally, 2 years later we are finally going to court for Criminal W recklessness a Class D Felony! I pray that justice be served and his peers put him in jail where he belongs. Jake and I were not the only victims, he has many before me..only he got away with those thru the court. I do believe that GOD will have His way and he has to stand before Him.

Other than that, I am coming out of a cortisol crisis. I think with moving and the stress, my body was using more and wasn't able to replenish it so I became tired, achy and in pain. Last Tuesday tho, I sort of collapsed at school. I had moved many boxes that day and then went to school. About 1/2 way, my hip starting hurting. Like a sciatic nerve pinched-don't-put-pressure-on it- hurt. Mike came to get me and I ended up in bed for 3 days unable to move much. After some rest & steroid pack, I'm not in much pain. It does get "flared" up at times but I am trying to do my best. I had a doctor appt. today (9-30-09) but was canceled for Dr. emergency. So waiting to see what is going on. Ugh.

I'll post some more later. I'm tired. It's midnight and I'm still awake. Pretty soon the kids will be needing to get up for school and I'll want to slap the alarm clock! :)

::hugs & kisses::

Viva La Valpo

Congratulations are in order!!!! I am now living in Valparaiso!! Although only 1/2 my stuff is moved, I chose to live in the apt. where I felt more safe!! Hobart just doesn't offer me the serenity & calm that this place does!!!

Moving this weekend was a bad idea (Labor Day Weekend), but no other choice was possible at the moment! My old partner, Dutch, let me borrow his truck while he was at station which was a HUGE surprise & relief to me!! I didn't expect that, but it was greatly appreciated! I tell ya though, I will NEVER MOVE AGAIN unless I HAVE TO or rent a U-Haul!! This was absolutely nuts trying to do this without proper planning!

THANK YOU: Mike, Cory, Copeland, Luis, Alicia, Dutch for the use of his truck!!

Otherwise, life is good!! I am happy. A place to make better memories and a place that has no past memories for me. i have good landlords and I really just could not be happier!!! :)

My Twilight Bite

I know, it's silly! Why the rave? Why is Twilight so big? I tried to stay away from the movie, the books anything resembling it! I was NOT going to be SUCKED in!?!? W R O N G!!! I was and am!

twilight signifies to me what love is. It isn't about being something else, it isn't about being wrong for each other...it's about accepting someone for who they are and loving them despite the differences! I can see so many get wrapped into it. The Cullen family truly loves and protects the people they care about. Having MS, you want that someone there to protect you, to comfort you when your scared, to hold you while you cry, to be strong when you are weak.

At 34, I'm starting over. When I was young, I loved like that. I'm not an ugly girl, but what makes me "ugly" is the MS. Sure I look "normal" now, but what happens when I have a relapse and my walking isn't normal or at all!?!? Will he love me the same? Will he see me as Edward sees Bella?!?! Will I still be the beautiful woman while sitting in a wheel chair or hospital bed? I don't know if I'll ever find my "Edward", a lot of damage has been done. I''m trying though, slowly but surely! Maybe through Bella, I can be strong again and maybe my Edward will find me too.

It's in GOD's hands, not mine. So Thou Edward, Thou Edward, where tho art' my Edward?!?! lol

::hugs & kisses::

Where'd Time Go?

Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. I realized how much things have changed and that the pressure is building inside, time to get it out!

My not so little girl decided to move back in with her dad. He has his and his GF 's income, so money is obviously more in their household since I only have Social Security and child support. He is always going out to eat, seeing movies or shopping, so I could see why THAT part is important to her. Somehow I feel I failed. I know I didn't. But I FEEL like I did! It hurts and the heartache is real. I'm not asking for pity, remorse and sympathy. Just see me as a momma venting and grieving once again.

See when I their dad and I divorced, I had no schooling or a job! NOTHING! I was left w/ nothing. I didn't really have a place to stay, no job, no money and the judge felt that I could go back to court to get them back when I did. Well, that didn't happen because I was living at home and they were already "settled" with him and his mother. My ex-mother in law is the DEVIL. She lied about me, made my life a living hell and NEVER accepted me. N E V E R! ! ! I would bring the kids to a family function and if there was someone new and didn't know me, she wouldn't introduce me as his wife but as this is Brian's kids and walk away. I would have to introduce myself as his wife and mother to the kids! That is part of the reason we divorced. I couldn't stand his mom and he wouldn't cut the apron strings.

So you can see how this hurts me so. This is also hard on Jake. He cried so hard tonight because of the stress of school starting and learning that his sister isn't coming home. He feels abandoned and alone. I kind of understand why feels that way!

My cousin had her baby. Since we were friends before I married my ex(She is his blood cousin), we were "Aunt" so and so to each others children. We got back in touch together before he was born, so it was nice being back with them. I was always fond of her and her family. He is adorable and chubby and perfect! I am so worried about her though. She has a hernia AND a tumor in her uterus. The baby and the tumor were fighting for space before he was born. They can not make any plans until her situation with her iron and platelets stabilize. She is a mom of now 6 kids and I admire her courage, strength and love for her children! I'll keep you updated!

Her sister-in-law who I also grew up with since I was very young, is battling cancer. Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was able to see her the other day and she looked pretty good! She will be scanned soon to see if any of the tumors have shrunk. I pray they did! How is it, the 3 of us close in age and growing up, would be struck with such horrible things? Maria is a mom of 2 children who need her and the thought of losing her, well that can't last long in my mind. I jsut can't go there! I admire everything about her and her family! The strength, love, tenderness, faith those two and the children, well you would just have to see it. It's awesome!

I am getting better physically. I was in the hospital and they found a 2ndary condition caused by the high doses of steroids. It's like Addison's disease. The high doses have tricked my adrenal glands into not producing enough cortisol at times. So we are supplementing w/ oral steroids for the time being. Hopefully it will change itself, but the way my luck runs...nuh uh.

My emotions are still kind of off the charts right now and the final I'm not coming home just really put a nail through my heart! I know I will be ok and in time, things will work out, but it is just darn hard to let go all over again! Especially it being my ex. If he was a good dad, I wouldn't mind! But he is minipulative, cunning, scheming, rude and always puts himself first! So that is the reason why I am so scared and hurt. I am hoping to move, so please say a prayer that I will find a place soon!!!

Well time to go to bed. I'll write so more soon! Don't take this all the wrong way, just feeling a bit emotional. Thanks!

::hugs & kisses::

The Trial & The Accident Upate

Trial- This is another stressful point right now because we are set to supposedly start jury selection as far as I know in August. I have been FOREVER changed by this incident. I trusted this man and really loved him with all my heart and he chose violence instead of walking away. I have talked myself to death about this wondering why he did this. Why he chose to break my RIGHT arm, the violence, rage and the physical & emotional abuse he inflicted, to look me right in my eyes and tell me he won't hurt me and then proceed to throw me like a rag doll on a moving fan, my son Jake and into cabinets in the kitchen. This "rage" was caused because of being told about his key to the Jeep. Basically it goes like this..The accident account is below this.

August 27, 2006- We discussed me getting a key to avoid me constantly asking for it. We hadn't had an opportunity to do it and when it presented itself, I made one and had EVERY intention of revealing to him I had it. He put his sugar high (Diabetic) early in the day to avoid it going low while revamping a roof. He was irritable and agitated. I told his ex-wife about it when I returned (We were all *friends* so I thought and we tried to see the kids at every chance we got.It really was a diff. situation that I had ever been involved in.) and when I left, she told her young sister to tell him about the key. When he came home, he exploded and went into a severe rage. This is when he became violent and the pain he put me through, the shattered life he created and all the while Jake witnessed the whole event. Before this, he was a wonderful, caring, loving father, friend and boyfriend. He even helped me through the diagnosis of MS and Jake's problems. He was awesome and my whole world was shattered by someone who I felt needed to tear my whole world apart. She knew how he gets being the ex-wife, he did a lot to her and that is why she divorced him. I'll never understand bailing him out of jail after only 15 hrs of being in there. I'll never understand the dynamic of their relationship and the need to always know what he is doing, where he is and the friendship they maintain together. She is married and has a child from her husband and still rescues him. I'll also never understand why she set out to destroy my friendship w/my best friend and my boyfriend.(She befriended my best friend and that is how we all came to know each other before her divorce to Marty.) I have never done anything to her that I know of and always treated her children wonderfully and to the best of my ability! We even moved to Hobart so he could be close to the kids, they help me when possible because of the MS and I helping them when I could. I tried my best to be there for the boys but not overstep myself and maintain myself as a partner and NOT mom to them. I cared about her, her mom, the kids and her sister so very much. I was isolated and devastated when this all happened and instead of standing up, she remained quiet to keep her child support flowing. At least that was what i told. I don't want to destroy her, I want answers but may have to resolve myself that I'll never have them. Why destroy my life? Why does she hate me even now? What have I done to deserve this much venom from someone even to this day?

I no longer care about her feelings since I can no longer maintain a relationship with the children or most of her family except a few. I stayed quiet to a point for the kids and I hope one day they will come to me and ask me what happened. Maybe even renew our friendship because we were all really close. I miss them so much!

The accident occurred on August 27, 2006. The day before I was due in classes at IUN. We were traveling west bound on old ridge road and a ford ranger was traveling east. A cat ran out in front of the truck and the truck swerved into our lane and I guess He was looking at something to the left and I screamed, "LOOK OUT"!! He swerved to miss her and he over corrected. While heading head-on into the telephone pole at old ridge road and wabash, we jumped a curve and hit heads at apprx. 30 mph right before we hit the telephone pole. We hit hard enough for the pole to swing out and land thankfully right back on the pole. The first thing he did was look at me jump out and exclaim that he wrecked the jeep.

We were on the way to Jake and Jayson's soccer game. His friend/ex-wife was about 20 secs. behind us and rolled up just as he was out. he yelled at "T" that he wrecked it and didn't have insurance and what was he going to do. At that point, "T" came over and asked me a few questions. Her momma came to the passenger window and stayed with me until the Hobart's finest came to my rescue. (Thank you Richie, you ARE a HERO to me!) I know "T" and I don't get along (I'm not always sure why?), but thank GOD she and her mom was there to help calm him & me. I had a HUGE lump on my head already and they knew I needed help. He was injured also but as a hard head he is, refused to be seen. He didn't come to the hospital. In his defense, he did have to wait to have the Jeep towed to Pop's to be stored. I was released in under 2hrs from St. Mary's ER(The nurses are awesome but the Dr. I had was an IDIOT!). I should of been put in since I was incontinent from the accident and the severity of impact. I never once blamed him & always tried to be supportive and even sunk $3,000 of my own money into that Jeep to be put back on the road. Not to mention $1000 I paid to Momma for her vehicle so that he could go to work. I was dedicated in helping him in every way. I know he hated himself for it and things were not easy after that.

Looking back on it now, I blame him only because he wasn't a man in both situations. The accident should of been a clue, but I was always "excusing" the behavior. He was a Diabetic, he was 'burned" by other people, etc. No more. The accident was his fault but I felt that suing him for it would not do anything. They found out that I had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) & severe concussion. I will forever have the mishape of my head, headaches and pain from it. Nothing they can do except treat the symptoms.

Recently though, someone (probably him) tinkered with the engine of my car and if I didn't have it checked when I did, the kids and I would have been killed. Yes, I believe either him or someone close to him tried to kill me. He is ruthless, uncaring and certainly able to do something like that. I found out that he does have a violent past and his ex-wife was enabling him. I do not know the nature of her relationship with him now because I have secluded myself because of the trial. I want him to serve time. I want him to pay for everything he has done to me and them. Even through therapy, the kids and I still have issues to this day and we are unsure of what will happen in the future. We are leaving it to GOD and for him to have his revenge on him in HIS own time.

Please do not see this as a pity for me. This is to open up some healing and to help anyone else who has experienced violence. Never, EVER cover for them and always speak up. I was lucky to have excellent police, fire and ems there helping me. To be scared is to give him or her more power and I refuse to back down. I am standing up for myself and my children and someone has to have a voice to stop these people from hurting others!!!

::hugs & kisses::

Time Marches On...

I have been sitting here thinking about many things. I mainly put this blog up for keeping those who care about me up-to-date, but it has taken on much more meaning. Since my last post, I've stood tall while all around me just crumbles. I may bounce around all over the place so try and stay with me. I know what's in my head, but sometimes it doesn't get put all out in writing...so stay w/ me and any questions, please ask them!!!

Maria- My childhood friend turned cousin was diagnosed w/ Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. She is one year older and is currently battling for her life. She has a husband who loves her more than himself, two beautiful kids and she had attained her Associate's degree in Paralegal and was working. She had just laid to rest her wonderful and devoted mother 2 months ago when she got the news. I try my best to not question GOD about this, because I know HIS will is what it is, but it is so hard to not want to know the why. In HIS good time will he reveal that, but until then...all I can do is pray my hardest that GOD will have mercy and spare her life. Her husband and kids would be completely lost not having her there w/ them.

My health- Approximately 2-3 months ago I experienced sudden fatigue that was worse than anything I experienced before. I have no idea what is going on. My GP found a UTI and I temp. felt better w/ antibiotics. Sleep continued to be a problem. He said that it is a Neuro problem. I was sure of a UTI again, so I called and they referred me to a Urologist. Not I was examined in the hospital and they found nothing wrong. I don't know anymore. I am so fed up being sick and no one knowing what is wrong. I went through that w/ being diagnosed with MS and now this? I am just frustrated because I feel like I can not let people depend on me. I also have been suffering from depression because of this. I kind of shove people away and then I'm left alone and then the cycle continues. I am being honest with this because I want people to know I DO care and I DO love thme and want them to pull me by my hair and say, "let's go chick!!" Hopefully I can get answers to something, somewhere and get back to some kind of 'normal' or at least get this all in check!

Jacob- Well that's a whole another story. The day program he was at found that Jacob IS Autistic and may suffer from Asperger's. He is also stunted emotionally and his learning capabilities are way far below. He writes like a 2nd grader and his reading is maybe at 3rd grade. His behavior is on and off. Not sure what is triggering these outbursts at the moment. That is another problem...I never know what to expect w/ him and his behavior. He really embarrassed me at my friends house and I keep him away, afraid of another 'moment'. Most parents don't want their children exposed to that or to pick up behaviors like that. So I tend to shy away because I never know how people preceive it. I feel I failed him and his father does NOTHING to help me with him. He doesn't even recognize how severe. I have asked his dad to take him & let him live with him because at times it is bad and with me being ill, it's hard. He says he will but then somehow there is no room or some excuse.He needed to be put in the hospital, and his father refused to take him citing "i'm not going to sit there on my weekend and waste my time doing this. You can do it on Sunday night when you get him back." It isn't easy being me.

Alicia- Well she has decided that she is unsure about GOD. I talk to her but as teenagers are, she is not interested in religion. I pray for her everyday that she will come to know GOD and accept Jesus as her Savior! Otherwise things are better and she is a beautiful young woman! Hopefully I'll have more to share about her!

Otherwise, financial stuff sucks! I need to take that class from church to help budget and get things back on track. It's hard to raise 2 kids on very little. I pray everyday for GOD"s grace and hopefully soon things will change for me and everyone else who knows this pain.

I need for people to surround me with love, friendship and care. I don't want people to see me as a person they should avoid or not ask to do anything because of my health. I feel useless and already depressed about all of this and when I have something else to focus on..like VBS, I feel great (despite the illness!) and useful. A purpose is given to me and that embrace that wholeheartedly! Please pray for me and embrace me, do not let me say no and sometimes people need to force me to have "fun"!!!

I love you all, please keep me, my family and anyone else in your prayers! Although things are happening, I need to still live. Peace, love and happiness!

::hugs & kisses::

What to Think???

Not sure what to think anymore. The last two weeks have been a blur because of the constant sleeping. I had weakness, heart palpitations, no energy..period. The last time I had the heart thingie, my doc found I had low potassium. So I still had pills from the last time and have been taking them. It started turning around Sunday night. I felt more energetic, not so sleepy and the heart palpitations were hardly happening. Well, this morning I was tired again and slept all day. I'm tired again and have no energy. I talked to several friends who are long time paramedics and they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I was worried about calling the doc because
1. I didn't want to be put in the hosptial

2. I couldn't get to the office for a blood test, I couldn't drive!!!

Soooo, I put it off until today. I called in at 2:30pm and it's now 5:38pm and no one has called. I guess I should give them more time, but how long does it take to ask a dr. what she wants to do unless she is not there and it'll wait until tomorrow? If I'm still really pooped in the AM, I guess I should go in after the kids leave. I'm just kind of scares of what they'll tell me. I don't think it is the MS this time, I really think something else is going on...but what that is..I'm totally stumped!!!

Th eone things that was awesome was that last night things were kind of bad with Jake. With his meds screwed up because of his Butthead father this last weekend, he was out of control. Alicia had a very hard time dealing with him and it escalated until both kids had a meltdown. They finally calmed down and last night they made up on their own after explaining to Alicia about his meds and what happens when his meds are messed up an ENTIRE weekend. This morning Alicia woke up, she went and woke Jake up and he actually got up right away without ANY drama!! He actually made his own lunch and packed it. AND the best part of all, she gave him a hug and told him to have a great day at school. All together...AWWWWWWWW! I was so proud of them both. I guess good things happen when you wait long enough for it...or at least until tonight right??? lol Well at least I have the memory until all heck breaks loose again! HA!

Other than that, my NCIS show isn't on today for the usual 3 hr marathon so I'm going to go on facebook (I'm so addicted to it now!) and gett up to speed. So that is why I didn't post and there was so much chaos but at that point I just didn't care because I was so tired. Literally, I spent almost 2 weeks in my bed. Ugh...I love my bed that the head and feet can be electrically adjusted but tired of being in it! ugh!

::hugs & kisses::

Late Night Rambling.

Somany things have been happening, I am not sure where to begin. Something happened to me and the docs and I think it was low potassium but I have not been able to get back to the doc to do a repeat blood test. I was down for about 10 days with heart arrythmias, sleeping 24/7, weak, unable to concentrate and just basically sleeping all the time....I had NO energy what so ever!! Luckily I had potassium pills from the last time this happened, so I took those and not I am feeling better. Not out of the woods, but I have more energy and I actually did 5 loads of laundry (it's a double front loader). Thank goodness we think it is a metabolic thing and not the MS. We do have to keep a close eye to make sure this isn't a relapse...ugh. Like i need this now!

Jake went to his dad's this last weekend. He did not call me and tell me one of his meds was missing. He tried to compensate but ended up screwing up the meds. So it's written in black and white and because he doesn't want to call me, he chooses to try and figure it out himself. But this is the same man who basically tells me that he can't make any appts because he has too work. When it comes to the doc appt for the kids, he has anyone else take them. If he has to deal with any of it, he can't cope or something. He frustrates the heck out of me. I can't tell you how many times I have sat and cried because of his mistakes or doing something so ignorant. Anytime we went in front of the judge tho, he came out like a saint. I somehow got the wrong end of the stick. I can't hate him, but if anyone besides his mother could be so evil as Satan...he would be it!!!!!!!!

Alicia has madesome really good choices lately but I will have to blog more because now that I decomperessed, I am unable to keep my eyes open....

If you stopped by and the page wsas different, I'm sorry! I am always trying to find a nice, clean, readable template that makes it look reallly nice because I want it to reflect who I am and what this is about.

Well words are meshing..love ya all!

::hugs & kisses::

Out of sorts...

Well this has been one heck of a week and a half! Alicia decided to move to her dads and before she left, I told her if she moved, she couldn't move back. So she didn't take her things and decided not to move after all. It was partly my fault because the words that flew out of my mouth weren't what I meant, but it was how it sounded and things just went from bad to worse. I couldn't even blog about it, because it hurt so bad. I couldn't completely blame her for feeling like she did. Jake's behavior was way over the top and it was beyond frustrating trying to deal with him.

Jake's behavior went from bad to oh so bad and worse these last few months. I kept complaining to the doc about him, but he just adjusted this or that and wasn't truly hearing me. So we made a few major changes and if this doesn't work, then we will have to put him in the hospital and then apply for residential. But so far he is holding his own and not acting out badly.

In other news...my oldest son turns 18 in an hour and half. Can't believe my oldest will now be considered a man. I can still see that smiling, baby blue eyes and bleached white hair just running to me and bowling me over with love! He will ALWAYS be mommy's baby and I'll always feel like I never truly protected him but that is another blog to be read!

Me..I'm still the happy-go-lucky girl who believes in a fairy tale. Can't help being the romantic I am. I dream of a small town southern man sweeping me off of my feet and loving me and my kids as his own! Oh...what a DREAM! lol

I have dropped 40 lbs of water weight. The steroids have been wearing off and as usual, causing me to have migraines. But they have gotten somewhat better. Well, it's late and I should be getting to bed. But I thought I would write some while ttrying to get sleepy!

::hugs & kisses::

Why?

So often I wonder, why me? I know we shouldn't ask these things because in a way you question what the LORD has planned for us, but it is human nature to wonder why GOD would trust me so much to handle these situations!!!

For example, the money situation...I went from $30-40,000 to $11,000 a year. I know..unbelievable huh? That I make rent, NIPSCO, water, sewer on that??? It blows my mind when I think about it.

Having MS...just when I think I'm getting past a major hurdle, one gets thrown back into the mix!!!

I woke up today and I started with a possible chest cold and blurry vision again. So if this has misspells...sorry!!! Can't do much about that...although I do try my best because it really irks me!!! So, I have a final today in Soups, Stocks and Sauces and I cannot participate because of my vision. I cannot even drive right now because the right eye is so bad.

I also was basically kicked in the gut the other day. The day treatment doctor is recommending that Jake be put in Residential Treatment because Jake feels that the rules don't apply to him. He is really manic right now and we are trying to get his meds right. I called Brian and he doesn't like the idea but so far is not going to fight me. At least that is what he told me. I haven't decided yet on what to do and can't really until we get some meds straight because he isn't like that when he has the meds ok. But if he gets bad again, I have no choice but to do so. :( He will have to be hospitalized and then transferred or at least get the ball rolling for it but he has to be in a acute care first. It is a major decision that is basically carried by me. It isn't like Brian will meet me there...he'll have some excuse why he can't be there...work, the other kids, his GF...something will be more important than him. It is scarry and HUGE for me to do this!!

As for Alicia and that incident...the girl's BF went up to Alicia yesterday and asked her if she was Alicia and she said yeah and he went across the way and showed her to his friends and said that's Alicia. Great...so now we are worried of a huge group of black kids jumping her now. It doesn't end!! She told the asst. Principal about it, but really..what can he do? He has alerted everyone, but if they want it done..it'll be done. She is a prisioner in her school and at her home!! I have even borrowed a high powered paint ball gun to protect her!! I do not believe in guns and will never own one or fire one again!! But I do believe in non-lethal ways to protect us. I am a woman who is disabled and I will NOT be intimidated or scared to protect myself or children. They may see me weak, but meet Mr. Paintball that can poke YOUR eye out!!! LOL Just like a BB Gun in the Christmas Story but this time I have CO2 to help that! lol But seriously folks, it is tooooo scary nowadays!

I'll Write some more soon, my mom just called and I need to relay this info to her.

Rambling...

Well, it's been a while since I posted. I didn't have internet or TV for a few days because of nonpayment. It sucks to say, but I just couldn't afford to turn it back on right away. So, I'm back now!!! :)

Anyhoo, life has been interesting. On Wed, April 22nd, my daughter was punched in the face at Hobart High School. Now I knew I didn't get the whole story from Alicia, but it never justifies violence!! Basically, she told on a kid who was being disruptive in the movie theatre field trip. The kids were mad and some words were exchanged with a girl. This girl took her words and told another girl that my daughter said them about her. This girl got mad and went up to her and punched her in the face. She went down hitting her head on the wall behind her.

Many of the kids know that she has Orthostatic Hypotension.

She was able to stay home Friday and recoup. It's a shame that kids feel the need to hit, punch, kick, bite or resort to any other violence to prove themselves or to maintain their reputations. It hurts me to the core. It's werid though, I tried to set up a meeting with the Mayor and ended up leaving my paperwork there of how to help our kids say "no" to violence. Do you know that a so called friend of mine, who was "close" to the mayor took my ideas and used them!!!!! It makes me sick to no end!!! Luckily, I figured it out.

I have been having clustered migraine headaches again. A casualty of having steroid infusions. After about 3 months of the infusions, they start wearing off and the fluid level decreases in my body. Which result in the migraine because the pressure has changed within my brain. This usually takes around 2-3 weeks before I have almost complete relief.

On a positive note though, I have reconnected with some friends from high school and have even reestablished a friendship with him! I am so totally stoked about it. He has a lovely family..2 stepsons, a 4 yr old girl and a beautiful wife. I am so happy that his life turned out fairly well. He had his spined fused recently though, and went to college for computers and that is how we reconnected. I had 3 that needed work and one that was of no use to me. So for payment, he is taking that and fixing mine unless it costs a bit of money..then it will cost me but at his cost!! SOOO HAPPY!!!!

Well, it's getting late and I need to head to bed for church in the AM, so later gators!

::hugs & kisses::

Amazing Kid

Well, I wasn't going to blog today but something caught my eye just a few ago and thought I would share.

This kid is 14 and is fighting Brain Cancer. The parents created a blog for him to update everyone. The url is http://nathanwhitefamily.blogspot.com . Check them out and tI think this kids has more courage than anyone I know. I think all kids battling any Cancers, or debilitating disease is a HERO. Having MS helps me identify with these kids and it breaks my heart to hear or know so many out there are fighting for their life and a battle that may not be won. My heart and prayers go out to each and every child, adult or family dealing with such devastating issues!!!!

::hugs & kisses::

Headache City

Well, this week has sucked so far. I have been having headaches that won't go away. I take my migraine meds and they rebound again. I am calling the doc today because I refilled my migraine meds on Wed and already almost out!!!!UGHHHH!

As for everything else, it's good. Alicia is still grounded and obeying that. Her friend from school was out-of-school suspended because she called a girl a b*tch for pulling her pants AND underwear down (depantsing is what they call it.) to her ankles. Now I do not condone using profanity, but considering the circumstances, I believe that is way overboard!!! The girl also got 3 day OOS. The same punishment for both??? I really think that is not enough for her!!!! Just couldn't believe what things are coming to with our kids? Ya know??

On the other spectrum, Jake is fairing ok. He is still going to his special school and the doc and I both agreed that the school's testing has missed something with his diagnosis. So, until that is done, we will not really know all that is wrong with him. HIs handwriting is of a 2nd or 3rd grader. His comprehension level is about the same. I didn't know this would be his outcome all those days I spent in the NICU with him. I prayed daily for him to make it and now he struggles everyday and the school couldn't tell us why?!? Schools do not want to do for a kid or a mom who presses them for services!!!! IT's a shame ya know? I have watched the show on TLC, Table for 12 and I can identify with the mom to an extent with her having a special needs child. It isn't easy and all the dreams you had for them before you found out the problems,, are just gone. You still weeps years later for what you wanted for them because it hurts to know you brought this child into the world and they may never know the full worldly goodies that is out there for them. It just hurts....

Otherwise, just sleeping a lot right now because of the headaches. Today would be great to paint, but my head won't let me! ugh...the living room really needs that 2nd coat too!!! Oh well, I'll try and post more later.

Hugs & Kisses
XOXOXOXOXO

Good Morning!

Good morning y'all! Today was good. The kids got off to their respective schools ok. Now it is a lil' mommy time. Woke up with a headache, so trying to nurture that so that it doesn't turn into a migraine! So, sitting here watching Shrek 3 and blogging!

I have a final tomorrow and kind of worried about it. I don't want to see it go down in flames!! LITERALLY! LOL But what do ya do? My MS has seemed to level off some, so that is good! That means the MS will hopefully not cause me to lose my legs again! :)

Other than that..I'm going to lay down and then start cleaning..comcast suppose to come here to fix their mess again..imagine that!!

Wow.....long time!

Well...I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I stopped because I was afraid of leaking any information out that could jeopardize any court cases still ongoing. Now, I just don't care. I want to leave something behind for my kids, grandkids and others. Maybe oters can help me through all of this. It's crazy and hard being single and a woman in a household of teens! BUT, tonight was interesting.

My daughter decided to disobey me. I let her go with a few friends to the mall. Was not real sure about the driver, but I let her go on the condition of checking in every hour. She checked in for the 6pm one, but the 7 pm was missed. SO I called at 7:20pm and she was not happy I called her out on it. She became defensive and I told her under no certain terms to come home and hung up. I didn't check my cell and didn't know she texted my cell that she was going to the movies. AFTER telling her NO to come home. She went to the movies and I worried for 2 hours of where she was. She is grounded and can not leave the house to go out for 2 weeks. If she thinks I am going to relent, she is crazy!! I'm not going through all of this again and her father agreed on that. His words are useless to me but it encouraged me to calm down.

Jake had a bad night. He was throwing fits because I didn't feel well and COOK him dinner. Oh well, he finally settled when I told him I would call Dr. Leon and tell him about his behavior. That settled him more easily and redirect him in a better way.

Other than that, I'm recouping from a lonnnnng day yesterday. Because I took oral steroids, they messed up my tummy and heartburn is a horrible problem for me. It is especially hard on Multiple Sclerosis patients. So, I was sick yesterday and couldn't get up to go to class.I know it will hurt my grade, but because of being so weak, I didn't have the energy!

On a positive note, a friend of mine, Mike, has come back in my life as a friend. We always had a good time..playing games and such. He is having a hard time right now, but I am glad we are talking and interacting again. The kids always liked him and he was a great friend to me and them!! So, GOD is great and glad to have him back!!

It's 12:40am..so I am going to go. It's nice to be back and I'll blog some more of waht has been going on! :)