Time Marches On...

I have been sitting here thinking about many things. I mainly put this blog up for keeping those who care about me up-to-date, but it has taken on much more meaning. Since my last post, I've stood tall while all around me just crumbles. I may bounce around all over the place so try and stay with me. I know what's in my head, but sometimes it doesn't get put all out in writing...so stay w/ me and any questions, please ask them!!!

Maria- My childhood friend turned cousin was diagnosed w/ Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. She is one year older and is currently battling for her life. She has a husband who loves her more than himself, two beautiful kids and she had attained her Associate's degree in Paralegal and was working. She had just laid to rest her wonderful and devoted mother 2 months ago when she got the news. I try my best to not question GOD about this, because I know HIS will is what it is, but it is so hard to not want to know the why. In HIS good time will he reveal that, but until then...all I can do is pray my hardest that GOD will have mercy and spare her life. Her husband and kids would be completely lost not having her there w/ them.

My health- Approximately 2-3 months ago I experienced sudden fatigue that was worse than anything I experienced before. I have no idea what is going on. My GP found a UTI and I temp. felt better w/ antibiotics. Sleep continued to be a problem. He said that it is a Neuro problem. I was sure of a UTI again, so I called and they referred me to a Urologist. Not I was examined in the hospital and they found nothing wrong. I don't know anymore. I am so fed up being sick and no one knowing what is wrong. I went through that w/ being diagnosed with MS and now this? I am just frustrated because I feel like I can not let people depend on me. I also have been suffering from depression because of this. I kind of shove people away and then I'm left alone and then the cycle continues. I am being honest with this because I want people to know I DO care and I DO love thme and want them to pull me by my hair and say, "let's go chick!!" Hopefully I can get answers to something, somewhere and get back to some kind of 'normal' or at least get this all in check!

Jacob- Well that's a whole another story. The day program he was at found that Jacob IS Autistic and may suffer from Asperger's. He is also stunted emotionally and his learning capabilities are way far below. He writes like a 2nd grader and his reading is maybe at 3rd grade. His behavior is on and off. Not sure what is triggering these outbursts at the moment. That is another problem...I never know what to expect w/ him and his behavior. He really embarrassed me at my friends house and I keep him away, afraid of another 'moment'. Most parents don't want their children exposed to that or to pick up behaviors like that. So I tend to shy away because I never know how people preceive it. I feel I failed him and his father does NOTHING to help me with him. He doesn't even recognize how severe. I have asked his dad to take him & let him live with him because at times it is bad and with me being ill, it's hard. He says he will but then somehow there is no room or some excuse.He needed to be put in the hospital, and his father refused to take him citing "i'm not going to sit there on my weekend and waste my time doing this. You can do it on Sunday night when you get him back." It isn't easy being me.

Alicia- Well she has decided that she is unsure about GOD. I talk to her but as teenagers are, she is not interested in religion. I pray for her everyday that she will come to know GOD and accept Jesus as her Savior! Otherwise things are better and she is a beautiful young woman! Hopefully I'll have more to share about her!

Otherwise, financial stuff sucks! I need to take that class from church to help budget and get things back on track. It's hard to raise 2 kids on very little. I pray everyday for GOD"s grace and hopefully soon things will change for me and everyone else who knows this pain.

I need for people to surround me with love, friendship and care. I don't want people to see me as a person they should avoid or not ask to do anything because of my health. I feel useless and already depressed about all of this and when I have something else to focus on..like VBS, I feel great (despite the illness!) and useful. A purpose is given to me and that embrace that wholeheartedly! Please pray for me and embrace me, do not let me say no and sometimes people need to force me to have "fun"!!!

I love you all, please keep me, my family and anyone else in your prayers! Although things are happening, I need to still live. Peace, love and happiness!

::hugs & kisses::


Bonny said...

I did not see this post before April. I will continue to pray for you. Know that you are loved and that you are doing your best and that is all anyone can expectfrom you.