A Shining Light in my Darkness....

Well, I am down in the dumps this morning. I thought I would be blogging when I got home, but something sparked me this morning to write!

Since last night, everything just really hit me hard. I became depressed and just lost interest in everything! I couldn't even do my homework! :( This morning I took Alicia and Jake to school since Alicia is on crutches. When I got back, I did my Myspace things as usual. At 7:45am, my sister called to ask me about getting an appt. with the orthopedic doc for Alicia (a.k.a. sissy). (Her specialist takes the same insurance as Alicia's!) If I got the appt. I told her I didn't and broke down bawling with her on the phone after a while.

See, my mom and I had a verbal fight. I did something I should not have done, but it wasn't out of malice or mischief did I do it. Since we had received the same correspondence, I thought she knew, she didn't, I didn't mention it because of the 100,000 other things going on in my life. Basically, I forgot. Well she has now cut me out once again. This happened 2 years ago when my parents moved and we have slowly gotten past that. Well, she has always been the type of person when she gets hurt to suht everything and everyone out. I understand that, because I am somewhat the same way. We used to talk just about every morning around 7-8am unless appts or I had school. Last night it hit me so hard and I was missing her badly.

Ya see, I really don't have any close, close friends besides Carol and my mom. I have people from church and a few others, but not anyone very close to me because of a few things that have happened in the last 5 years or so of failed friendships in one way or another that have hurt me to the core, so I don't really let it happen. There isn't anything I couldn't tell her, I love her, she is my mom. So to cut me out like this, wow....it's worse than anything I can think of!! I don't want her in my life, I NEED her in my life. She doesn't even send on those fwd emails either! She talks to everyone else...but not me. My Aunt can hurt her like no tomorrow and she talks to her but me...cut out.

So, when my sis called me out of the blue this morning around that time my mom and I would usually talk, I was on top of cloud 9. WAIT, I still am! GOD was so good to me and knew I needed such a cheering up! I was so overjoyed I ended up bawling on the phone telling her it was one thing and it being another so that my mom would not be peeved at her for knowing about the fight. I know that this blog addy is in my emails, so it is possible anyone could know about this, I just don't care who find out.

My moms behavior has changed dramatically over the last 3 years. She has slowly changed from a loving, warm person to a bitter, sometimes cold person. NOW, before you jump to comclusions, she has had a LOT of disappointment and hurt that could have easily caused any of this but I am wondering if maybe a brain tumor or something that could have brought this on. This is just NOT who she used to be. She has become forgetful and very demanding about you not telling her something when you KNOW you did. She has also become very suspicious and paranoid about things going on around her. Very impatient and unkind about things that would normally not bother her. It's really mind boggling!

Maybe I should not of post this, but at this point keeping it in isn't helping either. I'm torn, hurt, feeling so disconnected since this happened and I want her to know that I do NEED her in my life but if this is how it is going to be, I'd rather not have this kind of pain in my life. It is worth it but only if the circle come back around. I've reached out, it is up to her and I hope that bridge isn't closed by the time she has that circle try to meet mine.


Bonny said...

I hope that things work out with your Mom how you want them to. Maybe your Mom's attitude has just changed because of whatever has happened with her, not a brain tumor? Keep your chin up. ((Hugs)) to you, sweetie.