I know, it's silly! Why the rave? Why is Twilight so big? I tried to stay away from the movie, the books anything resembling it! I was NOT going to be SUCKED in!?!? W R O N G!!! I was and am!
twilight signifies to me what love is. It isn't about being something else, it isn't about being wrong for each other...it's about accepting someone for who they are and loving them despite the differences! I can see so many get wrapped into it. The Cullen family truly loves and protects the people they care about. Having MS, you want that someone there to protect you, to comfort you when your scared, to hold you while you cry, to be strong when you are weak.
At 34, I'm starting over. When I was young, I loved like that. I'm not an ugly girl, but what makes me "ugly" is the MS. Sure I look "normal" now, but what happens when I have a relapse and my walking isn't normal or at all!?!? Will he love me the same? Will he see me as Edward sees Bella?!?! Will I still be the beautiful woman while sitting in a wheel chair or hospital bed? I don't know if I'll ever find my "Edward", a lot of damage has been done. I''m trying though, slowly but surely! Maybe through Bella, I can be strong again and maybe my Edward will find me too.
It's in GOD's hands, not mine. So Thou Edward, Thou Edward, where tho art' my Edward?!?! lol
::hugs & kisses::
8/22/2009
8/11/2009
Where'd Time Go?
Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. I realized how much things have changed and that the pressure is building inside, time to get it out!
My not so little girl decided to move back in with her dad. He has his and his GF 's income, so money is obviously more in their household since I only have Social Security and child support. He is always going out to eat, seeing movies or shopping, so I could see why THAT part is important to her. Somehow I feel I failed. I know I didn't. But I FEEL like I did! It hurts and the heartache is real. I'm not asking for pity, remorse and sympathy. Just see me as a momma venting and grieving once again.
See when I their dad and I divorced, I had no schooling or a job! NOTHING! I was left w/ nothing. I didn't really have a place to stay, no job, no money and the judge felt that I could go back to court to get them back when I did. Well, that didn't happen because I was living at home and they were already "settled" with him and his mother. My ex-mother in law is the DEVIL. She lied about me, made my life a living hell and NEVER accepted me. N E V E R! ! ! I would bring the kids to a family function and if there was someone new and didn't know me, she wouldn't introduce me as his wife but as this is Brian's kids and walk away. I would have to introduce myself as his wife and mother to the kids! That is part of the reason we divorced. I couldn't stand his mom and he wouldn't cut the apron strings.
So you can see how this hurts me so. This is also hard on Jake. He cried so hard tonight because of the stress of school starting and learning that his sister isn't coming home. He feels abandoned and alone. I kind of understand why feels that way!
My cousin had her baby. Since we were friends before I married my ex(She is his blood cousin), we were "Aunt" so and so to each others children. We got back in touch together before he was born, so it was nice being back with them. I was always fond of her and her family. He is adorable and chubby and perfect! I am so worried about her though. She has a hernia AND a tumor in her uterus. The baby and the tumor were fighting for space before he was born. They can not make any plans until her situation with her iron and platelets stabilize. She is a mom of now 6 kids and I admire her courage, strength and love for her children! I'll keep you updated!
Her sister-in-law who I also grew up with since I was very young, is battling cancer. Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was able to see her the other day and she looked pretty good! She will be scanned soon to see if any of the tumors have shrunk. I pray they did! How is it, the 3 of us close in age and growing up, would be struck with such horrible things? Maria is a mom of 2 children who need her and the thought of losing her, well that can't last long in my mind. I jsut can't go there! I admire everything about her and her family! The strength, love, tenderness, faith those two and the children, well you would just have to see it. It's awesome!
I am getting better physically. I was in the hospital and they found a 2ndary condition caused by the high doses of steroids. It's like Addison's disease. The high doses have tricked my adrenal glands into not producing enough cortisol at times. So we are supplementing w/ oral steroids for the time being. Hopefully it will change itself, but the way my luck runs...nuh uh.
My emotions are still kind of off the charts right now and the final I'm not coming home just really put a nail through my heart! I know I will be ok and in time, things will work out, but it is just darn hard to let go all over again! Especially it being my ex. If he was a good dad, I wouldn't mind! But he is minipulative, cunning, scheming, rude and always puts himself first! So that is the reason why I am so scared and hurt. I am hoping to move, so please say a prayer that I will find a place soon!!!
Well time to go to bed. I'll write so more soon! Don't take this all the wrong way, just feeling a bit emotional. Thanks!
::hugs & kisses::
My not so little girl decided to move back in with her dad. He has his and his GF 's income, so money is obviously more in their household since I only have Social Security and child support. He is always going out to eat, seeing movies or shopping, so I could see why THAT part is important to her. Somehow I feel I failed. I know I didn't. But I FEEL like I did! It hurts and the heartache is real. I'm not asking for pity, remorse and sympathy. Just see me as a momma venting and grieving once again.
See when I their dad and I divorced, I had no schooling or a job! NOTHING! I was left w/ nothing. I didn't really have a place to stay, no job, no money and the judge felt that I could go back to court to get them back when I did. Well, that didn't happen because I was living at home and they were already "settled" with him and his mother. My ex-mother in law is the DEVIL. She lied about me, made my life a living hell and NEVER accepted me. N E V E R! ! ! I would bring the kids to a family function and if there was someone new and didn't know me, she wouldn't introduce me as his wife but as this is Brian's kids and walk away. I would have to introduce myself as his wife and mother to the kids! That is part of the reason we divorced. I couldn't stand his mom and he wouldn't cut the apron strings.
So you can see how this hurts me so. This is also hard on Jake. He cried so hard tonight because of the stress of school starting and learning that his sister isn't coming home. He feels abandoned and alone. I kind of understand why feels that way!
My cousin had her baby. Since we were friends before I married my ex(She is his blood cousin), we were "Aunt" so and so to each others children. We got back in touch together before he was born, so it was nice being back with them. I was always fond of her and her family. He is adorable and chubby and perfect! I am so worried about her though. She has a hernia AND a tumor in her uterus. The baby and the tumor were fighting for space before he was born. They can not make any plans until her situation with her iron and platelets stabilize. She is a mom of now 6 kids and I admire her courage, strength and love for her children! I'll keep you updated!
Her sister-in-law who I also grew up with since I was very young, is battling cancer. Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was able to see her the other day and she looked pretty good! She will be scanned soon to see if any of the tumors have shrunk. I pray they did! How is it, the 3 of us close in age and growing up, would be struck with such horrible things? Maria is a mom of 2 children who need her and the thought of losing her, well that can't last long in my mind. I jsut can't go there! I admire everything about her and her family! The strength, love, tenderness, faith those two and the children, well you would just have to see it. It's awesome!
I am getting better physically. I was in the hospital and they found a 2ndary condition caused by the high doses of steroids. It's like Addison's disease. The high doses have tricked my adrenal glands into not producing enough cortisol at times. So we are supplementing w/ oral steroids for the time being. Hopefully it will change itself, but the way my luck runs...nuh uh.
My emotions are still kind of off the charts right now and the final I'm not coming home just really put a nail through my heart! I know I will be ok and in time, things will work out, but it is just darn hard to let go all over again! Especially it being my ex. If he was a good dad, I wouldn't mind! But he is minipulative, cunning, scheming, rude and always puts himself first! So that is the reason why I am so scared and hurt. I am hoping to move, so please say a prayer that I will find a place soon!!!
Well time to go to bed. I'll write so more soon! Don't take this all the wrong way, just feeling a bit emotional. Thanks!
::hugs & kisses::
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About Me
- April- Strong and True
- I am a 35 yr old Single mom of 4 teens, with the youngest being diagnosed with Autism. I was a EMT for 10+ years when I had to retire due to Multiple Sclerosis. I did however, get to go and help during Hurricane's Katrina & Rita!! I give back to my community thru anything I can volunteer for!