The Trial & The Accident Upate

Trial- This is another stressful point right now because we are set to supposedly start jury selection as far as I know in August. I have been FOREVER changed by this incident. I trusted this man and really loved him with all my heart and he chose violence instead of walking away. I have talked myself to death about this wondering why he did this. Why he chose to break my RIGHT arm, the violence, rage and the physical & emotional abuse he inflicted, to look me right in my eyes and tell me he won't hurt me and then proceed to throw me like a rag doll on a moving fan, my son Jake and into cabinets in the kitchen. This "rage" was caused because of being told about his key to the Jeep. Basically it goes like this..The accident account is below this.

August 27, 2006- We discussed me getting a key to avoid me constantly asking for it. We hadn't had an opportunity to do it and when it presented itself, I made one and had EVERY intention of revealing to him I had it. He put his sugar high (Diabetic) early in the day to avoid it going low while revamping a roof. He was irritable and agitated. I told his ex-wife about it when I returned (We were all *friends* so I thought and we tried to see the kids at every chance we got.It really was a diff. situation that I had ever been involved in.) and when I left, she told her young sister to tell him about the key. When he came home, he exploded and went into a severe rage. This is when he became violent and the pain he put me through, the shattered life he created and all the while Jake witnessed the whole event. Before this, he was a wonderful, caring, loving father, friend and boyfriend. He even helped me through the diagnosis of MS and Jake's problems. He was awesome and my whole world was shattered by someone who I felt needed to tear my whole world apart. She knew how he gets being the ex-wife, he did a lot to her and that is why she divorced him. I'll never understand bailing him out of jail after only 15 hrs of being in there. I'll never understand the dynamic of their relationship and the need to always know what he is doing, where he is and the friendship they maintain together. She is married and has a child from her husband and still rescues him. I'll also never understand why she set out to destroy my friendship w/my best friend and my boyfriend.(She befriended my best friend and that is how we all came to know each other before her divorce to Marty.) I have never done anything to her that I know of and always treated her children wonderfully and to the best of my ability! We even moved to Hobart so he could be close to the kids, they help me when possible because of the MS and I helping them when I could. I tried my best to be there for the boys but not overstep myself and maintain myself as a partner and NOT mom to them. I cared about her, her mom, the kids and her sister so very much. I was isolated and devastated when this all happened and instead of standing up, she remained quiet to keep her child support flowing. At least that was what i told. I don't want to destroy her, I want answers but may have to resolve myself that I'll never have them. Why destroy my life? Why does she hate me even now? What have I done to deserve this much venom from someone even to this day?

I no longer care about her feelings since I can no longer maintain a relationship with the children or most of her family except a few. I stayed quiet to a point for the kids and I hope one day they will come to me and ask me what happened. Maybe even renew our friendship because we were all really close. I miss them so much!

The accident occurred on August 27, 2006. The day before I was due in classes at IUN. We were traveling west bound on old ridge road and a ford ranger was traveling east. A cat ran out in front of the truck and the truck swerved into our lane and I guess He was looking at something to the left and I screamed, "LOOK OUT"!! He swerved to miss her and he over corrected. While heading head-on into the telephone pole at old ridge road and wabash, we jumped a curve and hit heads at apprx. 30 mph right before we hit the telephone pole. We hit hard enough for the pole to swing out and land thankfully right back on the pole. The first thing he did was look at me jump out and exclaim that he wrecked the jeep.

We were on the way to Jake and Jayson's soccer game. His friend/ex-wife was about 20 secs. behind us and rolled up just as he was out. he yelled at "T" that he wrecked it and didn't have insurance and what was he going to do. At that point, "T" came over and asked me a few questions. Her momma came to the passenger window and stayed with me until the Hobart's finest came to my rescue. (Thank you Richie, you ARE a HERO to me!) I know "T" and I don't get along (I'm not always sure why?), but thank GOD she and her mom was there to help calm him & me. I had a HUGE lump on my head already and they knew I needed help. He was injured also but as a hard head he is, refused to be seen. He didn't come to the hospital. In his defense, he did have to wait to have the Jeep towed to Pop's to be stored. I was released in under 2hrs from St. Mary's ER(The nurses are awesome but the Dr. I had was an IDIOT!). I should of been put in since I was incontinent from the accident and the severity of impact. I never once blamed him & always tried to be supportive and even sunk $3,000 of my own money into that Jeep to be put back on the road. Not to mention $1000 I paid to Momma for her vehicle so that he could go to work. I was dedicated in helping him in every way. I know he hated himself for it and things were not easy after that.

Looking back on it now, I blame him only because he wasn't a man in both situations. The accident should of been a clue, but I was always "excusing" the behavior. He was a Diabetic, he was 'burned" by other people, etc. No more. The accident was his fault but I felt that suing him for it would not do anything. They found out that I had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) & severe concussion. I will forever have the mishape of my head, headaches and pain from it. Nothing they can do except treat the symptoms.

Recently though, someone (probably him) tinkered with the engine of my car and if I didn't have it checked when I did, the kids and I would have been killed. Yes, I believe either him or someone close to him tried to kill me. He is ruthless, uncaring and certainly able to do something like that. I found out that he does have a violent past and his ex-wife was enabling him. I do not know the nature of her relationship with him now because I have secluded myself because of the trial. I want him to serve time. I want him to pay for everything he has done to me and them. Even through therapy, the kids and I still have issues to this day and we are unsure of what will happen in the future. We are leaving it to GOD and for him to have his revenge on him in HIS own time.

Please do not see this as a pity for me. This is to open up some healing and to help anyone else who has experienced violence. Never, EVER cover for them and always speak up. I was lucky to have excellent police, fire and ems there helping me. To be scared is to give him or her more power and I refuse to back down. I am standing up for myself and my children and someone has to have a voice to stop these people from hurting others!!!

::hugs & kisses::

Time Marches On...

I have been sitting here thinking about many things. I mainly put this blog up for keeping those who care about me up-to-date, but it has taken on much more meaning. Since my last post, I've stood tall while all around me just crumbles. I may bounce around all over the place so try and stay with me. I know what's in my head, but sometimes it doesn't get put all out in writing...so stay w/ me and any questions, please ask them!!!

Maria- My childhood friend turned cousin was diagnosed w/ Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. She is one year older and is currently battling for her life. She has a husband who loves her more than himself, two beautiful kids and she had attained her Associate's degree in Paralegal and was working. She had just laid to rest her wonderful and devoted mother 2 months ago when she got the news. I try my best to not question GOD about this, because I know HIS will is what it is, but it is so hard to not want to know the why. In HIS good time will he reveal that, but until then...all I can do is pray my hardest that GOD will have mercy and spare her life. Her husband and kids would be completely lost not having her there w/ them.

My health- Approximately 2-3 months ago I experienced sudden fatigue that was worse than anything I experienced before. I have no idea what is going on. My GP found a UTI and I temp. felt better w/ antibiotics. Sleep continued to be a problem. He said that it is a Neuro problem. I was sure of a UTI again, so I called and they referred me to a Urologist. Not I was examined in the hospital and they found nothing wrong. I don't know anymore. I am so fed up being sick and no one knowing what is wrong. I went through that w/ being diagnosed with MS and now this? I am just frustrated because I feel like I can not let people depend on me. I also have been suffering from depression because of this. I kind of shove people away and then I'm left alone and then the cycle continues. I am being honest with this because I want people to know I DO care and I DO love thme and want them to pull me by my hair and say, "let's go chick!!" Hopefully I can get answers to something, somewhere and get back to some kind of 'normal' or at least get this all in check!

Jacob- Well that's a whole another story. The day program he was at found that Jacob IS Autistic and may suffer from Asperger's. He is also stunted emotionally and his learning capabilities are way far below. He writes like a 2nd grader and his reading is maybe at 3rd grade. His behavior is on and off. Not sure what is triggering these outbursts at the moment. That is another problem...I never know what to expect w/ him and his behavior. He really embarrassed me at my friends house and I keep him away, afraid of another 'moment'. Most parents don't want their children exposed to that or to pick up behaviors like that. So I tend to shy away because I never know how people preceive it. I feel I failed him and his father does NOTHING to help me with him. He doesn't even recognize how severe. I have asked his dad to take him & let him live with him because at times it is bad and with me being ill, it's hard. He says he will but then somehow there is no room or some excuse.He needed to be put in the hospital, and his father refused to take him citing "i'm not going to sit there on my weekend and waste my time doing this. You can do it on Sunday night when you get him back." It isn't easy being me.

Alicia- Well she has decided that she is unsure about GOD. I talk to her but as teenagers are, she is not interested in religion. I pray for her everyday that she will come to know GOD and accept Jesus as her Savior! Otherwise things are better and she is a beautiful young woman! Hopefully I'll have more to share about her!

Otherwise, financial stuff sucks! I need to take that class from church to help budget and get things back on track. It's hard to raise 2 kids on very little. I pray everyday for GOD"s grace and hopefully soon things will change for me and everyone else who knows this pain.

I need for people to surround me with love, friendship and care. I don't want people to see me as a person they should avoid or not ask to do anything because of my health. I feel useless and already depressed about all of this and when I have something else to focus on..like VBS, I feel great (despite the illness!) and useful. A purpose is given to me and that embrace that wholeheartedly! Please pray for me and embrace me, do not let me say no and sometimes people need to force me to have "fun"!!!

I love you all, please keep me, my family and anyone else in your prayers! Although things are happening, I need to still live. Peace, love and happiness!

::hugs & kisses::