And...Life Happens

MS Walk on September 12, 2010

2010-07-01T08:19:00.000-05:00

I am proud to announce that I formed a team for the MS Walk on September 12th, 2010. My mom & I came up with April's Angels!! The reason being with all support from my family & friends, well..they have been my "Angels" getting me through all the twists & turns that happens when you suffer from MS. So I ENCOURAGE you to go the link I will provide at the bottom to sign up to walk with us, by yourself or donate to the cause! I'm READY to help kick some MS you know what!!! I hope you are too! You can also go to my Facebook profile & the little box or widget on the LOWER LEFT SIDE of my page and click on Join Me or to Donate also!

For more info:

Join us at the Fitness & Recreation Center on Purdue University Calumet's campus in Hammond on Sunday, September 12, 2010. Check-in begins at 8:30 a.m. and the Walk kicks off at 10:00 a.m. Enjoy either a 1.3-mile or 2.6-mile route through the beautiful campus and Knickerbocker Trail.

Date: September 12, 2010
Location: Purdue University-Calumet Fitness & Recreation Center
Email: MariLinn.Wise@nmss.org
For more information call: 574-855-9868 or 800-344-4867, Opt. 2

The link:

To Sign Up For MS Walk Click HERE!!!!!

MS is NEVER easy to deal with, but having so many friends & family who care, makes it so much easier to deal with & accept. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for everything! I would NOT be here if I didn't have the support or my faith..but I am blessed beyond imagination and thank you does not even seem enough!

::hugs & kisses::

Long time gone...

2010-06-29T01:36:00.000-05:00

I apologize for not blogging in such a long time. Things have been crazy around here and so much has happened.

1st) The trial did NOT happen. He took a plea deal..it's the best I could of hoped for considering the circumstances. The trial was set for May 20th..JAKE's Bday!!! Also, if Jake 'forgot' something or didn't answer the questions right, it would of made him feel so bad that he "blew" the case. I did NOT want that for him! He is on 6 months probation, NO CONTACT & has a perm. record of a Class A Misdemeanor. It wasn't the Felony, but either way, my life needed to go on and as long as the trial did not happen, I couldn't truly put it in the past!! He is suppose to be moving down south & that gives me great comfort knowing he will no longer be around here often!

2.) My MS has been on the fritz and we found I have Addison's 2ndary to MS. The high infused doses of steroids has caused my adrenal glands to stop producing it on their own. At this time, my body is either...NOT absorbing it or is burning through the oral doses faster than I can shove it in! So, I have been lingering between critical to low. This causes many symptoms but the main one I cannot handle is the laying in bed almost 24hrs a day, doing what I do best...sleeping. People do not realize how much sleep has consumed my life. I am NOT being lazy, I am not being depressed (Ok, well a little considering I love to cook, be with the kids and ummm..IT'S SUMMER!!!!!), I just don't have any energy to complete anything!!! If I do anything..I'm guaranteed to be down for a few days because of the activity!

Thank goodness, no new spots detected in my brain! AMEN for that! It's the old ones continuing to flare and give me problems! My walking is ok but if I get a little tired, my balance seems to go off and I'll fall!!! No worries..plenty of padding!!! haha

I had a allergic reaction to Extavia...it's a MS injection to help prevent further damage & relapses. So until the rash is gone..she cannot start me on anything. Otherwise it is just maintaining what I have right now and being thankful it is not worse..their is ALWAYS someone worse off than yourself and I'm thankful I'm not one of them!

3.) Michael GRADUATED!!! I'm so freaking proud of him! My first child to receive that diploma!! Zach's is next year!! Can't wait for his either!!!!

4.) I plan on blogging a bit more soon. I found that I enjoy doing this and it helps me to maintain focus on what is truly important in life. I am taking a class @ my church, Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey! Please, if you are young, adult, later in life...take this course!!! It truly is great and I wish I had this YEARS ago!!!

Well, for now..I'll go. Thanks for being a friend!

::hugs & kisses::

Let's Try This, ok?

2009-10-14T01:49:00.000-05:00

Well first off, the trial was continued. They had warned me that could happen and it did...so at least I don't have the stress of testifying BUT it is being rescheduled, sooo it will come again. *sigh* We get a reprieve for the moment!

Onto other stuff..Lately I have not felt well. I have been in bed for 4 days now and really have no energy, motivation or strength to do much. My hips have been hurting for an unknown reason and well, the pain has been really intense as well as the spasms. My legs are literally jumping sometimes from them. I did cook Monday evening, I made Bacon Cheeseburgers and they loved it! So not sure what I'm doing later for dinner, but we shall see.

Jake isn't feeling well and we have an appt. this morning to take him to the doc. I shouldn't say "we" because it is always ME that takes him because his own father can't be bothered with things like that! But anyways, he has a sore throat, large lymph nodes under his neck and ear drainage...so I made a appt. quick!!! lol. Making sure it isn't the H1N1..that would be our luck!

The doc is also starting me on a new medicine. A betaseron again. I had to go off Avonex because the side affects were becoming really bad and I just couldn't take it anymore. So it is have similar side affects but hoping they aren't as bad. The avonex worked in the beginning but after 18 months it faded and totally reversed itself. So we shall see and hoping this helps turn me around. I also have Fribromyalgia. That sucks too. I also feel like I have bugs crawling on me at various times. It's really weird feeling and TOTALLY creeps me out! I keep looking on my arms, head, hands to see even though I know there are no bugs crawling on me but it FEELS like it! Try doing that over and over everyday!! ICK!!! To know me I am a total BUG PHOBE!!! ICK ICK ICK!

Life will get back on track one way or another. I HAVE to get my life back because this one sucks! I need to be healthy, happy and totally back in my game! I have left things go for far too long!

My Uncle Doug on my father's side passed away on October 8th. He had Lung Cancer that spread to his bones and other places. It didn't take long for the Cancer to overcome him. I haven't seen my Uncle in 15+ years because of a family rift. My Aunt & my Grandma didn't approve of my mom and that I had Mike @ 16. Because of their treatment towards me & my kids, I chose to stay away from them. (My Grandma approved of Mike because he carries the last name Hermes.) Plus there is just so much drama with that side, it is unbelievable. But to not even mention my dad who STAYED with Edward & Brian while he was in Hospice, is just ..well words can't even begin to tell you! I should not be surprised by this but that is just wrong. My Aunt & everyone treated my dad like crap and you know, I'm just going to leave it alone and let karma work their magic. These people are so miserable and they only have themselves to blame for it!

DOUGLAS EDWARD DIXON
"Doug"
"Sonny"
Crown Point, Indiana

Douglas "Doug" Edward Dixon, "Sonny" age 67, of Crown Point, IN passed away on Thursday, October 08, 2009 at St Anthony Hospice Care Unit. He was born on February 19, 1942 in Hobart to Beryl and Irene Dixon. He married Mary Kay Hermes in 1962. Douglas was a retired millwright at Inland Steel for over 30 years. He was an avid fisherman. He was preceded in death by his parents; and sister, Norma Jean. Doug will be dearly missed by his loving family; his wife, Mary Kay; 2 sons, Edward (Christine) and Bryan Dixon all of Crown Point; daughter via guardianship, Janis Dixon of GA; sisters, Doreen, Phyllis, Debbie and Berylene; 3 grandchildren, Logan, Sydney and Kameron. Memorial Services will be held on Wednesday, October 14, 2009 at 7:00 p.m. at Trinity Lutheran Church, 250 S. Indiana Ave., Crown Point, IN. Friends may visit with the family at the church on Wednesday from 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. (time of service). Cremation at the Burns Funeral Home Crematory will precede the memorial service. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the American Lung Association, 115 W. Washington St., Suite 1180S, Indianapolis, IN 46204, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, 7330 Woodlane Drive, Ste. 201, Indianapolis, IN, 46278, or to St. Jude Tribute Program, P. O. Box 1000, Dept. 142, Memphis, TN 38148-0142. Burns Funeral Home, 10101 Broadway, Crown Point, IN in charge of arrangements.

::hugs & kisses::

Already?

2009-10-01T00:01:00.002-05:00

Well, fall is upon us and so are the colder temps! WOW! It literally felt like one day summer and skip to fall 24 hrs. later!!! I don't mind, I like the milder weather better but the rainy, drab days get my body every time!

We still haven't gotten everything out. Having a MS crisis really put me behind in EVERYTHING! Jake is love, Love, LOVING school here! He is ifnally happy and content with his life! He likes that everyone treats him well, the kids & staff alike! He also commented about the classes and he comes home wanting to get homework done. It's A-MAZING!

On a stressful note, the trial starts Oct. 15th. The only thing is that they actually subpoenaed Jake too. I go in 12 hrs to meet with the Prosecutor about it and go over testimony. I will have more details then. I am not happy at the prospect of even TAKING Jake there. He is finally becoming stable mentally and now they want to throw a wrench into this. It won't happen, not for him.

For me, it was a wake up call about it. I put this out of my mind for so long. The incident occurred June 11, 2007. Finally, 2 years later we are finally going to court for Criminal W recklessness a Class D Felony! I pray that justice be served and his peers put him in jail where he belongs. Jake and I were not the only victims, he has many before me..only he got away with those thru the court. I do believe that GOD will have His way and he has to stand before Him.

Other than that, I am coming out of a cortisol crisis. I think with moving and the stress, my body was using more and wasn't able to replenish it so I became tired, achy and in pain. Last Tuesday tho, I sort of collapsed at school. I had moved many boxes that day and then went to school. About 1/2 way, my hip starting hurting. Like a sciatic nerve pinched-don't-put-pressure-on it- hurt. Mike came to get me and I ended up in bed for 3 days unable to move much. After some rest & steroid pack, I'm not in much pain. It does get "flared" up at times but I am trying to do my best. I had a doctor appt. today (9-30-09) but was canceled for Dr. emergency. So waiting to see what is going on. Ugh.

I'll post some more later. I'm tired. It's midnight and I'm still awake. Pretty soon the kids will be needing to get up for school and I'll want to slap the alarm clock! :)

::hugs & kisses::

Viva La Valpo

2009-09-07T20:08:00.003-05:00

Congratulations are in order!!!! I am now living in Valparaiso!! Although only 1/2 my stuff is moved, I chose to live in the apt. where I felt more safe!! Hobart just doesn't offer me the serenity & calm that this place does!!!

Moving this weekend was a bad idea (Labor Day Weekend), but no other choice was possible at the moment! My old partner, Dutch, let me borrow his truck while he was at station which was a HUGE surprise & relief to me!! I didn't expect that, but it was greatly appreciated! I tell ya though, I will NEVER MOVE AGAIN unless I HAVE TO or rent a U-Haul!! This was absolutely nuts trying to do this without proper planning!

THANK YOU: Mike, Cory, Copeland, Luis, Alicia, Dutch for the use of his truck!!

Otherwise, life is good!! I am happy. A place to make better memories and a place that has no past memories for me. i have good landlords and I really just could not be happier!!! :)

My Twilight Bite

2009-08-22T20:44:00.003-05:00

I know, it's silly! Why the rave? Why is Twilight so big? I tried to stay away from the movie, the books anything resembling it! I was NOT going to be SUCKED in!?!? W R O N G!!! I was and am!

twilight signifies to me what love is. It isn't about being something else, it isn't about being wrong for each other...it's about accepting someone for who they are and loving them despite the differences! I can see so many get wrapped into it. The Cullen family truly loves and protects the people they care about. Having MS, you want that someone there to protect you, to comfort you when your scared, to hold you while you cry, to be strong when you are weak.

At 34, I'm starting over. When I was young, I loved like that. I'm not an ugly girl, but what makes me "ugly" is the MS. Sure I look "normal" now, but what happens when I have a relapse and my walking isn't normal or at all!?!? Will he love me the same? Will he see me as Edward sees Bella?!?! Will I still be the beautiful woman while sitting in a wheel chair or hospital bed? I don't know if I'll ever find my "Edward", a lot of damage has been done. I''m trying though, slowly but surely! Maybe through Bella, I can be strong again and maybe my Edward will find me too.

It's in GOD's hands, not mine. So Thou Edward, Thou Edward, where tho art' my Edward?!?! lol

::hugs & kisses::

Where'd Time Go?

2009-08-11T01:10:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a while since I last blogged. I realized how much things have changed and that the pressure is building inside, time to get it out!

My not so little girl decided to move back in with her dad. He has his and his GF 's income, so money is obviously more in their household since I only have Social Security and child support. He is always going out to eat, seeing movies or shopping, so I could see why THAT part is important to her. Somehow I feel I failed. I know I didn't. But I FEEL like I did! It hurts and the heartache is real. I'm not asking for pity, remorse and sympathy. Just see me as a momma venting and grieving once again.

See when I their dad and I divorced, I had no schooling or a job! NOTHING! I was left w/ nothing. I didn't really have a place to stay, no job, no money and the judge felt that I could go back to court to get them back when I did. Well, that didn't happen because I was living at home and they were already "settled" with him and his mother. My ex-mother in law is the DEVIL. She lied about me, made my life a living hell and NEVER accepted me. N E V E R! ! ! I would bring the kids to a family function and if there was someone new and didn't know me, she wouldn't introduce me as his wife but as this is Brian's kids and walk away. I would have to introduce myself as his wife and mother to the kids! That is part of the reason we divorced. I couldn't stand his mom and he wouldn't cut the apron strings.

So you can see how this hurts me so. This is also hard on Jake. He cried so hard tonight because of the stress of school starting and learning that his sister isn't coming home. He feels abandoned and alone. I kind of understand why feels that way!

My cousin had her baby. Since we were friends before I married my ex(She is his blood cousin), we were "Aunt" so and so to each others children. We got back in touch together before he was born, so it was nice being back with them. I was always fond of her and her family. He is adorable and chubby and perfect! I am so worried about her though. She has a hernia AND a tumor in her uterus. The baby and the tumor were fighting for space before he was born. They can not make any plans until her situation with her iron and platelets stabilize. She is a mom of now 6 kids and I admire her courage, strength and love for her children! I'll keep you updated!

Her sister-in-law who I also grew up with since I was very young, is battling cancer. Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was able to see her the other day and she looked pretty good! She will be scanned soon to see if any of the tumors have shrunk. I pray they did! How is it, the 3 of us close in age and growing up, would be struck with such horrible things? Maria is a mom of 2 children who need her and the thought of losing her, well that can't last long in my mind. I jsut can't go there! I admire everything about her and her family! The strength, love, tenderness, faith those two and the children, well you would just have to see it. It's awesome!

I am getting better physically. I was in the hospital and they found a 2ndary condition caused by the high doses of steroids. It's like Addison's disease. The high doses have tricked my adrenal glands into not producing enough cortisol at times. So we are supplementing w/ oral steroids for the time being. Hopefully it will change itself, but the way my luck runs...nuh uh.

My emotions are still kind of off the charts right now and the final I'm not coming home just really put a nail through my heart! I know I will be ok and in time, things will work out, but it is just darn hard to let go all over again! Especially it being my ex. If he was a good dad, I wouldn't mind! But he is minipulative, cunning, scheming, rude and always puts himself first! So that is the reason why I am so scared and hurt. I am hoping to move, so please say a prayer that I will find a place soon!!!

Well time to go to bed. I'll write so more soon! Don't take this all the wrong way, just feeling a bit emotional. Thanks!

::hugs & kisses::

The Trial & The Accident Upate

2009-07-18T02:21:00.005-05:00

Trial- This is another stressful point right now because we are set to supposedly start jury selection as far as I know in August. I have been FOREVER changed by this incident. I trusted this man and really loved him with all my heart and he chose violence instead of walking away. I have talked myself to death about this wondering why he did this. Why he chose to break my RIGHT arm, the violence, rage and the physical & emotional abuse he inflicted, to look me right in my eyes and tell me he won't hurt me and then proceed to throw me like a rag doll on a moving fan, my son Jake and into cabinets in the kitchen. This "rage" was caused because of being told about his key to the Jeep. Basically it goes like this..The accident account is below this.

August 27, 2006- We discussed me getting a key to avoid me constantly asking for it. We hadn't had an opportunity to do it and when it presented itself, I made one and had EVERY intention of revealing to him I had it. He put his sugar high (Diabetic) early in the day to avoid it going low while revamping a roof. He was irritable and agitated. I told his ex-wife about it when I returned (We were all *friends* so I thought and we tried to see the kids at every chance we got.It really was a diff. situation that I had ever been involved in.) and when I left, she told her young sister to tell him about the key. When he came home, he exploded and went into a severe rage. This is when he became violent and the pain he put me through, the shattered life he created and all the while Jake witnessed the whole event. Before this, he was a wonderful, caring, loving father, friend and boyfriend. He even helped me through the diagnosis of MS and Jake's problems. He was awesome and my whole world was shattered by someone who I felt needed to tear my whole world apart. She knew how he gets being the ex-wife, he did a lot to her and that is why she divorced him. I'll never understand bailing him out of jail after only 15 hrs of being in there. I'll never understand the dynamic of their relationship and the need to always know what he is doing, where he is and the friendship they maintain together. She is married and has a child from her husband and still rescues him. I'll also never understand why she set out to destroy my friendship w/my best friend and my boyfriend.(She befriended my best friend and that is how we all came to know each other before her divorce to Marty.) I have never done anything to her that I know of and always treated her children wonderfully and to the best of my ability! We even moved to Hobart so he could be close to the kids, they help me when possible because of the MS and I helping them when I could. I tried my best to be there for the boys but not overstep myself and maintain myself as a partner and NOT mom to them. I cared about her, her mom, the kids and her sister so very much. I was isolated and devastated when this all happened and instead of standing up, she remained quiet to keep her child support flowing. At least that was what i told. I don't want to destroy her, I want answers but may have to resolve myself that I'll never have them. Why destroy my life? Why does she hate me even now? What have I done to deserve this much venom from someone even to this day?

I no longer care about her feelings since I can no longer maintain a relationship with the children or most of her family except a few. I stayed quiet to a point for the kids and I hope one day they will come to me and ask me what happened. Maybe even renew our friendship because we were all really close. I miss them so much!

The accident occurred on August 27, 2006. The day before I was due in classes at IUN. We were traveling west bound on old ridge road and a ford ranger was traveling east. A cat ran out in front of the truck and the truck swerved into our lane and I guess He was looking at something to the left and I screamed, "LOOK OUT"!! He swerved to miss her and he over corrected. While heading head-on into the telephone pole at old ridge road and wabash, we jumped a curve and hit heads at apprx. 30 mph right before we hit the telephone pole. We hit hard enough for the pole to swing out and land thankfully right back on the pole. The first thing he did was look at me jump out and exclaim that he wrecked the jeep.

We were on the way to Jake and Jayson's soccer game. His friend/ex-wife was about 20 secs. behind us and rolled up just as he was out. he yelled at "T" that he wrecked it and didn't have insurance and what was he going to do. At that point, "T" came over and asked me a few questions. Her momma came to the passenger window and stayed with me until the Hobart's finest came to my rescue. (Thank you Richie, you ARE a HERO to me!) I know "T" and I don't get along (I'm not always sure why?), but thank GOD she and her mom was there to help calm him & me. I had a HUGE lump on my head already and they knew I needed help. He was injured also but as a hard head he is, refused to be seen. He didn't come to the hospital. In his defense, he did have to wait to have the Jeep towed to Pop's to be stored. I was released in under 2hrs from St. Mary's ER(The nurses are awesome but the Dr. I had was an IDIOT!). I should of been put in since I was incontinent from the accident and the severity of impact. I never once blamed him & always tried to be supportive and even sunk $3,000 of my own money into that Jeep to be put back on the road. Not to mention $1000 I paid to Momma for her vehicle so that he could go to work. I was dedicated in helping him in every way. I know he hated himself for it and things were not easy after that.

Looking back on it now, I blame him only because he wasn't a man in both situations. The accident should of been a clue, but I was always "excusing" the behavior. He was a Diabetic, he was 'burned" by other people, etc. No more. The accident was his fault but I felt that suing him for it would not do anything. They found out that I had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) & severe concussion. I will forever have the mishape of my head, headaches and pain from it. Nothing they can do except treat the symptoms.

Recently though, someone (probably him) tinkered with the engine of my car and if I didn't have it checked when I did, the kids and I would have been killed. Yes, I believe either him or someone close to him tried to kill me. He is ruthless, uncaring and certainly able to do something like that. I found out that he does have a violent past and his ex-wife was enabling him. I do not know the nature of her relationship with him now because I have secluded myself because of the trial. I want him to serve time. I want him to pay for everything he has done to me and them. Even through therapy, the kids and I still have issues to this day and we are unsure of what will happen in the future. We are leaving it to GOD and for him to have his revenge on him in HIS own time.

Please do not see this as a pity for me. This is to open up some healing and to help anyone else who has experienced violence. Never, EVER cover for them and always speak up. I was lucky to have excellent police, fire and ems there helping me. To be scared is to give him or her more power and I refuse to back down. I am standing up for myself and my children and someone has to have a voice to stop these people from hurting others!!!

::hugs & kisses::

Time Marches On...

2009-07-14T22:00:00.004-05:00

I have been sitting here thinking about many things. I mainly put this blog up for keeping those who care about me up-to-date, but it has taken on much more meaning. Since my last post, I've stood tall while all around me just crumbles. I may bounce around all over the place so try and stay with me. I know what's in my head, but sometimes it doesn't get put all out in writing...so stay w/ me and any questions, please ask them!!!

Maria- My childhood friend turned cousin was diagnosed w/ Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. She is one year older and is currently battling for her life. She has a husband who loves her more than himself, two beautiful kids and she had attained her Associate's degree in Paralegal and was working. She had just laid to rest her wonderful and devoted mother 2 months ago when she got the news. I try my best to not question GOD about this, because I know HIS will is what it is, but it is so hard to not want to know the why. In HIS good time will he reveal that, but until then...all I can do is pray my hardest that GOD will have mercy and spare her life. Her husband and kids would be completely lost not having her there w/ them.

My health- Approximately 2-3 months ago I experienced sudden fatigue that was worse than anything I experienced before. I have no idea what is going on. My GP found a UTI and I temp. felt better w/ antibiotics. Sleep continued to be a problem. He said that it is a Neuro problem. I was sure of a UTI again, so I called and they referred me to a Urologist. Not I was examined in the hospital and they found nothing wrong. I don't know anymore. I am so fed up being sick and no one knowing what is wrong. I went through that w/ being diagnosed with MS and now this? I am just frustrated because I feel like I can not let people depend on me. I also have been suffering from depression because of this. I kind of shove people away and then I'm left alone and then the cycle continues. I am being honest with this because I want people to know I DO care and I DO love thme and want them to pull me by my hair and say, "let's go chick!!" Hopefully I can get answers to something, somewhere and get back to some kind of 'normal' or at least get this all in check!

Jacob- Well that's a whole another story. The day program he was at found that Jacob IS Autistic and may suffer from Asperger's. He is also stunted emotionally and his learning capabilities are way far below. He writes like a 2nd grader and his reading is maybe at 3rd grade. His behavior is on and off. Not sure what is triggering these outbursts at the moment. That is another problem...I never know what to expect w/ him and his behavior. He really embarrassed me at my friends house and I keep him away, afraid of another 'moment'. Most parents don't want their children exposed to that or to pick up behaviors like that. So I tend to shy away because I never know how people preceive it. I feel I failed him and his father does NOTHING to help me with him. He doesn't even recognize how severe. I have asked his dad to take him & let him live with him because at times it is bad and with me being ill, it's hard. He says he will but then somehow there is no room or some excuse.He needed to be put in the hospital, and his father refused to take him citing "i'm not going to sit there on my weekend and waste my time doing this. You can do it on Sunday night when you get him back." It isn't easy being me.

Alicia- Well she has decided that she is unsure about GOD. I talk to her but as teenagers are, she is not interested in religion. I pray for her everyday that she will come to know GOD and accept Jesus as her Savior! Otherwise things are better and she is a beautiful young woman! Hopefully I'll have more to share about her!

Otherwise, financial stuff sucks! I need to take that class from church to help budget and get things back on track. It's hard to raise 2 kids on very little. I pray everyday for GOD"s grace and hopefully soon things will change for me and everyone else who knows this pain.

I need for people to surround me with love, friendship and care. I don't want people to see me as a person they should avoid or not ask to do anything because of my health. I feel useless and already depressed about all of this and when I have something else to focus on..like VBS, I feel great (despite the illness!) and useful. A purpose is given to me and that embrace that wholeheartedly! Please pray for me and embrace me, do not let me say no and sometimes people need to force me to have "fun"!!!

I love you all, please keep me, my family and anyone else in your prayers! Although things are happening, I need to still live. Peace, love and happiness!

::hugs & kisses::

What to Think???

2009-05-19T17:01:00.004-05:00

Not sure what to think anymore. The last two weeks have been a blur because of the constant sleeping. I had weakness, heart palpitations, no energy..period. The last time I had the heart thingie, my doc found I had low potassium. So I still had pills from the last time and have been taking them. It started turning around Sunday night. I felt more energetic, not so sleepy and the heart palpitations were hardly happening. Well, this morning I was tired again and slept all day. I'm tired again and have no energy. I talked to several friends who are long time paramedics and they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I was worried about calling the doc because
1. I didn't want to be put in the hosptial

2. I couldn't get to the office for a blood test, I couldn't drive!!!

Soooo, I put it off until today. I called in at 2:30pm and it's now 5:38pm and no one has called. I guess I should give them more time, but how long does it take to ask a dr. what she wants to do unless she is not there and it'll wait until tomorrow? If I'm still really pooped in the AM, I guess I should go in after the kids leave. I'm just kind of scares of what they'll tell me. I don't think it is the MS this time, I really think something else is going on...but what that is..I'm totally stumped!!!

Th eone things that was awesome was that last night things were kind of bad with Jake. With his meds screwed up because of his Butthead father this last weekend, he was out of control. Alicia had a very hard time dealing with him and it escalated until both kids had a meltdown. They finally calmed down and last night they made up on their own after explaining to Alicia about his meds and what happens when his meds are messed up an ENTIRE weekend. This morning Alicia woke up, she went and woke Jake up and he actually got up right away without ANY drama!! He actually made his own lunch and packed it. AND the best part of all, she gave him a hug and told him to have a great day at school. All together...AWWWWWWWW! I was so proud of them both. I guess good things happen when you wait long enough for it...or at least until tonight right??? lol Well at least I have the memory until all heck breaks loose again! HA!

Other than that, my NCIS show isn't on today for the usual 3 hr marathon so I'm going to go on facebook (I'm so addicted to it now!) and gett up to speed. So that is why I didn't post and there was so much chaos but at that point I just didn't care because I was so tired. Literally, I spent almost 2 weeks in my bed. Ugh...I love my bed that the head and feet can be electrically adjusted but tired of being in it! ugh!

::hugs & kisses::

Late Night Rambling.

2009-05-18T23:51:00.003-05:00

Somany things have been happening, I am not sure where to begin. Something happened to me and the docs and I think it was low potassium but I have not been able to get back to the doc to do a repeat blood test. I was down for about 10 days with heart arrythmias, sleeping 24/7, weak, unable to concentrate and just basically sleeping all the time....I had NO energy what so ever!! Luckily I had potassium pills from the last time this happened, so I took those and not I am feeling better. Not out of the woods, but I have more energy and I actually did 5 loads of laundry (it's a double front loader). Thank goodness we think it is a metabolic thing and not the MS. We do have to keep a close eye to make sure this isn't a relapse...ugh. Like i need this now!

Jake went to his dad's this last weekend. He did not call me and tell me one of his meds was missing. He tried to compensate but ended up screwing up the meds. So it's written in black and white and because he doesn't want to call me, he chooses to try and figure it out himself. But this is the same man who basically tells me that he can't make any appts because he has too work. When it comes to the doc appt for the kids, he has anyone else take them. If he has to deal with any of it, he can't cope or something. He frustrates the heck out of me. I can't tell you how many times I have sat and cried because of his mistakes or doing something so ignorant. Anytime we went in front of the judge tho, he came out like a saint. I somehow got the wrong end of the stick. I can't hate him, but if anyone besides his mother could be so evil as Satan...he would be it!!!!!!!!

Alicia has madesome really good choices lately but I will have to blog more because now that I decomperessed, I am unable to keep my eyes open....

If you stopped by and the page wsas different, I'm sorry! I am always trying to find a nice, clean, readable template that makes it look reallly nice because I want it to reflect who I am and what this is about.

Well words are meshing..love ya all!

::hugs & kisses::

Out of sorts...

2009-05-06T23:28:00.002-05:00

Well this has been one heck of a week and a half! Alicia decided to move to her dads and before she left, I told her if she moved, she couldn't move back. So she didn't take her things and decided not to move after all. It was partly my fault because the words that flew out of my mouth weren't what I meant, but it was how it sounded and things just went from bad to worse. I couldn't even blog about it, because it hurt so bad. I couldn't completely blame her for feeling like she did. Jake's behavior was way over the top and it was beyond frustrating trying to deal with him.

Jake's behavior went from bad to oh so bad and worse these last few months. I kept complaining to the doc about him, but he just adjusted this or that and wasn't truly hearing me. So we made a few major changes and if this doesn't work, then we will have to put him in the hospital and then apply for residential. But so far he is holding his own and not acting out badly.

In other news...my oldest son turns 18 in an hour and half. Can't believe my oldest will now be considered a man. I can still see that smiling, baby blue eyes and bleached white hair just running to me and bowling me over with love! He will ALWAYS be mommy's baby and I'll always feel like I never truly protected him but that is another blog to be read!

Me..I'm still the happy-go-lucky girl who believes in a fairy tale. Can't help being the romantic I am. I dream of a small town southern man sweeping me off of my feet and loving me and my kids as his own! Oh...what a DREAM! lol

I have dropped 40 lbs of water weight. The steroids have been wearing off and as usual, causing me to have migraines. But they have gotten somewhat better. Well, it's late and I should be getting to bed. But I thought I would write some while ttrying to get sleepy!

::hugs & kisses::

Why?

2009-04-29T08:46:00.002-05:00

So often I wonder, why me? I know we shouldn't ask these things because in a way you question what the LORD has planned for us, but it is human nature to wonder why GOD would trust me so much to handle these situations!!!

For example, the money situation...I went from $30-40,000 to $11,000 a year. I know..unbelievable huh? That I make rent, NIPSCO, water, sewer on that??? It blows my mind when I think about it.

Having MS...just when I think I'm getting past a major hurdle, one gets thrown back into the mix!!!

I woke up today and I started with a possible chest cold and blurry vision again. So if this has misspells...sorry!!! Can't do much about that...although I do try my best because it really irks me!!! So, I have a final today in Soups, Stocks and Sauces and I cannot participate because of my vision. I cannot even drive right now because the right eye is so bad.

I also was basically kicked in the gut the other day. The day treatment doctor is recommending that Jake be put in Residential Treatment because Jake feels that the rules don't apply to him. He is really manic right now and we are trying to get his meds right. I called Brian and he doesn't like the idea but so far is not going to fight me. At least that is what he told me. I haven't decided yet on what to do and can't really until we get some meds straight because he isn't like that when he has the meds ok. But if he gets bad again, I have no choice but to do so. :( He will have to be hospitalized and then transferred or at least get the ball rolling for it but he has to be in a acute care first. It is a major decision that is basically carried by me. It isn't like Brian will meet me there...he'll have some excuse why he can't be there...work, the other kids, his GF...something will be more important than him. It is scarry and HUGE for me to do this!!

As for Alicia and that incident...the girl's BF went up to Alicia yesterday and asked her if she was Alicia and she said yeah and he went across the way and showed her to his friends and said that's Alicia. Great...so now we are worried of a huge group of black kids jumping her now. It doesn't end!! She told the asst. Principal about it, but really..what can he do? He has alerted everyone, but if they want it done..it'll be done. She is a prisioner in her school and at her home!! I have even borrowed a high powered paint ball gun to protect her!! I do not believe in guns and will never own one or fire one again!! But I do believe in non-lethal ways to protect us. I am a woman who is disabled and I will NOT be intimidated or scared to protect myself or children. They may see me weak, but meet Mr. Paintball that can poke YOUR eye out!!! LOL Just like a BB Gun in the Christmas Story but this time I have CO2 to help that! lol But seriously folks, it is tooooo scary nowadays!

I'll Write some more soon, my mom just called and I need to relay this info to her.

Rambling...

2009-04-25T21:01:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted. I didn't have internet or TV for a few days because of nonpayment. It sucks to say, but I just couldn't afford to turn it back on right away. So, I'm back now!!! :)

Anyhoo, life has been interesting. On Wed, April 22nd, my daughter was punched in the face at Hobart High School. Now I knew I didn't get the whole story from Alicia, but it never justifies violence!! Basically, she told on a kid who was being disruptive in the movie theatre field trip. The kids were mad and some words were exchanged with a girl. This girl took her words and told another girl that my daughter said them about her. This girl got mad and went up to her and punched her in the face. She went down hitting her head on the wall behind her.

Many of the kids know that she has Orthostatic Hypotension.

She was able to stay home Friday and recoup. It's a shame that kids feel the need to hit, punch, kick, bite or resort to any other violence to prove themselves or to maintain their reputations. It hurts me to the core. It's werid though, I tried to set up a meeting with the Mayor and ended up leaving my paperwork there of how to help our kids say "no" to violence. Do you know that a so called friend of mine, who was "close" to the mayor took my ideas and used them!!!!! It makes me sick to no end!!! Luckily, I figured it out.

I have been having clustered migraine headaches again. A casualty of having steroid infusions. After about 3 months of the infusions, they start wearing off and the fluid level decreases in my body. Which result in the migraine because the pressure has changed within my brain. This usually takes around 2-3 weeks before I have almost complete relief.

On a positive note though, I have reconnected with some friends from high school and have even reestablished a friendship with him! I am so totally stoked about it. He has a lovely family..2 stepsons, a 4 yr old girl and a beautiful wife. I am so happy that his life turned out fairly well. He had his spined fused recently though, and went to college for computers and that is how we reconnected. I had 3 that needed work and one that was of no use to me. So for payment, he is taking that and fixing mine unless it costs a bit of money..then it will cost me but at his cost!! SOOO HAPPY!!!!

Well, it's getting late and I need to head to bed for church in the AM, so later gators!

::hugs & kisses::

Amazing Kid

2009-04-19T23:01:00.002-05:00

Well, I wasn't going to blog today but something caught my eye just a few ago and thought I would share.

This kid is 14 and is fighting Brain Cancer. The parents created a blog for him to update everyone. The url is http://nathanwhitefamily.blogspot.com . Check them out and tI think this kids has more courage than anyone I know. I think all kids battling any Cancers, or debilitating disease is a HERO. Having MS helps me identify with these kids and it breaks my heart to hear or know so many out there are fighting for their life and a battle that may not be won. My heart and prayers go out to each and every child, adult or family dealing with such devastating issues!!!!

::hugs & kisses::

Headache City

2009-04-17T08:29:00.002-05:00

Well, this week has sucked so far. I have been having headaches that won't go away. I take my migraine meds and they rebound again. I am calling the doc today because I refilled my migraine meds on Wed and already almost out!!!!UGHHHH!

As for everything else, it's good. Alicia is still grounded and obeying that. Her friend from school was out-of-school suspended because she called a girl a b*tch for pulling her pants AND underwear down (depantsing is what they call it.) to her ankles. Now I do not condone using profanity, but considering the circumstances, I believe that is way overboard!!! The girl also got 3 day OOS. The same punishment for both??? I really think that is not enough for her!!!! Just couldn't believe what things are coming to with our kids? Ya know??

On the other spectrum, Jake is fairing ok. He is still going to his special school and the doc and I both agreed that the school's testing has missed something with his diagnosis. So, until that is done, we will not really know all that is wrong with him. HIs handwriting is of a 2nd or 3rd grader. His comprehension level is about the same. I didn't know this would be his outcome all those days I spent in the NICU with him. I prayed daily for him to make it and now he struggles everyday and the school couldn't tell us why?!? Schools do not want to do for a kid or a mom who presses them for services!!!! IT's a shame ya know? I have watched the show on TLC, Table for 12 and I can identify with the mom to an extent with her having a special needs child. It isn't easy and all the dreams you had for them before you found out the problems,, are just gone. You still weeps years later for what you wanted for them because it hurts to know you brought this child into the world and they may never know the full worldly goodies that is out there for them. It just hurts....

Otherwise, just sleeping a lot right now because of the headaches. Today would be great to paint, but my head won't let me! ugh...the living room really needs that 2nd coat too!!! Oh well, I'll try and post more later.

Hugs & Kisses
XOXOXOXOXO

Good Morning!

2009-04-14T08:00:00.002-05:00

Good morning y'all! Today was good. The kids got off to their respective schools ok. Now it is a lil' mommy time. Woke up with a headache, so trying to nurture that so that it doesn't turn into a migraine! So, sitting here watching Shrek 3 and blogging!

I have a final tomorrow and kind of worried about it. I don't want to see it go down in flames!! LITERALLY! LOL But what do ya do? My MS has seemed to level off some, so that is good! That means the MS will hopefully not cause me to lose my legs again! :)

Other than that..I'm going to lay down and then start cleaning..comcast suppose to come here to fix their mess again..imagine that!!

Wow.....long time!

2009-04-13T19:12:00.003-05:00

Well...I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I stopped because I was afraid of leaking any information out that could jeopardize any court cases still ongoing. Now, I just don't care. I want to leave something behind for my kids, grandkids and others. Maybe oters can help me through all of this. It's crazy and hard being single and a woman in a household of teens! BUT, tonight was interesting.

My daughter decided to disobey me. I let her go with a few friends to the mall. Was not real sure about the driver, but I let her go on the condition of checking in every hour. She checked in for the 6pm one, but the 7 pm was missed. SO I called at 7:20pm and she was not happy I called her out on it. She became defensive and I told her under no certain terms to come home and hung up. I didn't check my cell and didn't know she texted my cell that she was going to the movies. AFTER telling her NO to come home. She went to the movies and I worried for 2 hours of where she was. She is grounded and can not leave the house to go out for 2 weeks. If she thinks I am going to relent, she is crazy!! I'm not going through all of this again and her father agreed on that. His words are useless to me but it encouraged me to calm down.

Jake had a bad night. He was throwing fits because I didn't feel well and COOK him dinner. Oh well, he finally settled when I told him I would call Dr. Leon and tell him about his behavior. That settled him more easily and redirect him in a better way.

Other than that, I'm recouping from a lonnnnng day yesterday. Because I took oral steroids, they messed up my tummy and heartburn is a horrible problem for me. It is especially hard on Multiple Sclerosis patients. So, I was sick yesterday and couldn't get up to go to class.I know it will hurt my grade, but because of being so weak, I didn't have the energy!

On a positive note, a friend of mine, Mike, has come back in my life as a friend. We always had a good time..playing games and such. He is having a hard time right now, but I am glad we are talking and interacting again. The kids always liked him and he was a great friend to me and them!! So, GOD is great and glad to have him back!!

It's 12:40am..so I am going to go. It's nice to be back and I'll blog some more of waht has been going on! :)

Lots Going On

2008-10-19T22:07:00.003-05:00

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. There has been LOTS going on.

I am doing a fundraiser for Hobart JC's, President of Hospitality Club, my kids, bills, school in which I'm like WAY behind in homework, dealing with MS & Meds, falling a few times, trying to help a friend, and having 2 abscessed teeth! On top of this, my right side is just killing me when I change positions and off and on. Sooo, oh that I fell last night and really did a good one on my right foot and arm!

I think right now I'm having the hardest time dealing with the MS and the symptoms. I need a lightweight wheelchair and trying to swallow that is not easy. I don't want to give up but I also need to face the fact that things aren't good in that dept. either. IDK...just overwhelmed!

Well I need to focus on homework and really try and accomplish SOMETHING! I slept all weekend from the shot (I think), so I need to play catch up!

::hugs & kisses::

DVDs4VETs

2008-10-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

I am a active member of the Hobart Jaycees and I am chairing a project called DVDs4VETs. We are collecting gently used or new DVDs, VHS, and portable devices for our soldiers.

Any items collected will be donated to local VA facilities for the Veterans, past or present. I am asking how to get information to get this worthy cause some attention. It is close to my heart since my own father is a Vietnam Veteran!

Any information would be greatly appreciated and any attention brought would only help our finest!

April Lusk
179 S Colorado St
Hobart, Indiana 46342
219-888-0100
medic4666@comcast.net

Thank you for your time in this matter. Service to humanity IS the best work of life!

One Awesome Female Chef

2008-10-09T08:27:00.001-05:00

I am BLOWN away!

2008-10-08T22:44:00.002-05:00

I have been writing on the side my "story" of my life. What I have gone through, etc etc. Well, I just checked my email and a company is interested in possibly buying "rights" to my "story"!! Oh MMMM GEEEEEEE!

I'm scared stiff about this! They said it would be a great story but needed some "tweaks". So, a little scared on these "tweaks". But it is positively awesome that I could inspire others!! Ok, the money would be great too if it were to sell, but I started because of everything I have been through and overcoming the adversity of it! Wow. WOW! OMG WOW!

Ok...calming down. Ok NOT! Ok...calming down for real this time! DEEP BREATH IN. DEEP BREATH OUT!

On to other stuff, my mom is ill. Not a real good things considering she isn't able to take many anti-biotics..hence the reason I have so many drug allergies! So, hoping this doesn't keep her down for long.

Alicia's x-rays came out negative! YAY! No fracture of her knee or leg! Whew! (wiping brow!) So more than likely it is Bursitis. Ugh. So she can use the crutches as needed. I bought her a good stabilizing knee brace so the doc said that should be ok until the Orthopedic doc looks at her.

Jake seems to be ok. He came home and slept this afternoon. Actually he and I both crashed after they came home from school! I was so wiped out from going to bed early and then being up early that it just messed me up! I slept until about 7 and he and I both took our meds, ate and then he went back to bed! But he seems to be calmer so far. No notes home yet!

I talked to my Grma today. Boy is she just a kick in the seat! Honery just doens't cut the mustard! She gets her jabs in every now and then how we don't ask about her, come see her or call her!!! She is just so demanding but funny about it! So, we came up with a weekly call check in and she seemed ok with that. I just hope I remember to do it! Otherwise I may get on her poo poo list!!!! LOL

That is why I didn't blog about the classes. Yes, I know I was suppose to but I can't find the recipe and when I do I will post them! I need to anyway because I bought cheap white wine to use for the deglazing of the pork chops so I better "chop chop" on it! LOL I know..really bad huh!?!?!

Ok, night ya'all!

::hugs & kisses::

Trying Something New

2008-10-07T20:48:00.002-05:00

I have a new program that will type as you speak. I have at times, trouble with typing. It wears on my arms and sometimes I can't focus well enough to use the keys. Most of you don't know, but the MS HAS progressed more than what I am telling you. I tell you now because I'm tired of trying to "hide" my disability so that I "fit" in more. I don't want to be different but there is no way of "hiding" it anymore or trying to be someone else than who I am.

It doesn't mean I was "fake" before, but I would concentrate on walking "normal" or trying to stand for longer than I am able. Today in class, I nearly went down because of the heat in the kitchen. So, I am always on the look out for better things to help me.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, please. God allowed this to happen for a reason. I am up to the task, but it isn't easy to hide what the MS has done to me now. Always know one thing, I'm a fighter and always will!

::hugs & kisses::

Mending Fences, I think?

2008-10-07T20:05:00.007-05:00

I have made it through another weekend of the shots.This weekend was not as bad as last (only 103 instead of 104 fever, more awake time, less chilling because of more less fever time also!). I still did not make it to church Sunday and that really upset me, but I'm hoping this weekend I will be able to. Otherwise things are better. I'm looking forward to next Wednesday! I have an appt at 1pm to get paperwork done for my power chair! Yeehaw! Look out Dale Jr, there's another driver in town! Oh, I meant Hobart! LOLOL HURRY! GET OFF THE SIDE WALKS! APRIL'S COMING! LMAO! They are going to also eval me for Fibromyalgia again. They are pretty sure that is what is also wrong with me, but making double sure before a concrete diagnosis. UGH!!!!!!

My mom and I have made amends. It hasn't been talked about at all, just kind of "overlooked". I can say I'm happy about it, but in the same respect, I don't want her to think she can do this whenever life gets to hard for her or stressful. On the same side of the coin, there have been many times I'm sure, she has become a punching bag when I haven't felt well or irritable. So, I guess it is best to let things be and see where they go. Through YEARS of counseling, I have been taught to pick my battles and this isn't one I really want to exert energy on. She knows how I feel and where I stand and if lines are crossed on either side, then it is time to recheck our relationship and either fix or change what needs to be done. If she can not change, then it is for me to do so. Does that help Bonny? I kind of gave advice on yours and mine! LOL

As to other things, Alicia is on crutches still. Hoping the doc has the results tomorrow.

Jake was suspended from school Monday. Long story...but his behavior started with talking rudely, refusing to do homework, flipping people the bird, etc. which is TOTALLY unacceptable. SOOOOOO, that ended up with a Psychiatrist visit (AGAIN this month) at 1pm! We were just there 2 weeks ago and we tweaked his meds some and I guess it didn't go well! OOPPPsss...BUT he IS eating entire bags of Ruffles potato chips in a sitting...like TWICE a day!!! Soooo that is improvement! I know the school isn't happy because we changed his meds and I did not notify them! OH WELL! They always brand your kid..ADHD, Autism, Bipolar, Schzio! How about branding him ....JACOB? He has PDD (Proverbial Developmental Disorder) which is on the Autism Spectrum but we feel he may have Asperger's..which is another Autism Disorder but is much more Jake and conclusive than giving him a broader definition. Having this "label" unfortunately is needed to get him the services needed and to help educate what is wrong with him and why he behaves the way he does. BUT I don't want him to live up to the label or treated any differently because of this. Also, the when the school called, I was told that Hobart doesn't have the type of facilities to help him if this is the way he is going to act. Which leaves me feeling helpless and just downright abandoned!!! So, going to be making a few phone calls to figure out what is up with that!

Mike is well, pics are up on myspace of his Homecoming Pics! Just soooo handsome!

I will be blogging the cooking and baking courses tomorrow. Playing catch up!

Right now I'm having MAJOR financial trouble so money has been a HUGE stress and CHRISTMAS! The dreaded holiday of everything nice and plenty of presents that I can't give because of being on disability and no money! YaY! Can't wait to disappoint my kids, AGAIN! Well, anyways enough of me bellyaching! Just frustrated, irritable, not feeling well with Migraine kind of witching! LOL

::hugs & kisses::

BTW: Dog The Bounty Hunter's 100th Episode is October 15 @ 8pm. If you live in Hawaii, they are having a Party! I can't go, because of the obvious...but my heart and spirit will be there! Make sure you check them out too at www.dogthebountyhunter.com!

Stewing & Not the Cooking Kind

2008-10-04T22:38:00.003-05:00

Well, it seems to be that someone doesn't want me driving my vehicle or for that fact BREATHING! Now, if someone has a problem with me, that's fine! But I really take it personally when someone messes with my kids! I have enough of kid messing between my ex and his mother, I really don't need help in that dept!! Thank GOD that I listened to him and the nagging feeling!! The car wasn't acting right when I drove it to school, so afterward, I took it in for an oil change because it was overdue. But it was found that a few "things" were not in order and the consequences could of been dire. (Very CLOSE call may I add!)

It is nothing to take lightly, that is for sure! Now I realize I have "upset" a few people, but I don't quite think they would resort t0 this. Police are investigating this matter and we are hoping to find out WHO is behind this...I have my own conclusions but we'll have to wait and see since this person is under police surveillance anyway.

Any tips leading to an arrest will be offered a small reward! medic4666@comcast.net

::hugs & kisses::

A Shining Light in my Darkness....

2008-10-02T08:07:00.004-05:00

Well, I am down in the dumps this morning. I thought I would be blogging when I got home, but something sparked me this morning to write!

Since last night, everything just really hit me hard. I became depressed and just lost interest in everything! I couldn't even do my homework! :( This morning I took Alicia and Jake to school since Alicia is on crutches. When I got back, I did my Myspace things as usual. At 7:45am, my sister called to ask me about getting an appt. with the orthopedic doc for Alicia (a.k.a. sissy). (Her specialist takes the same insurance as Alicia's!) If I got the appt. I told her I didn't and broke down bawling with her on the phone after a while.

See, my mom and I had a verbal fight. I did something I should not have done, but it wasn't out of malice or mischief did I do it. Since we had received the same correspondence, I thought she knew, she didn't, I didn't mention it because of the 100,000 other things going on in my life. Basically, I forgot. Well she has now cut me out once again. This happened 2 years ago when my parents moved and we have slowly gotten past that. Well, she has always been the type of person when she gets hurt to suht everything and everyone out. I understand that, because I am somewhat the same way. We used to talk just about every morning around 7-8am unless appts or I had school. Last night it hit me so hard and I was missing her badly.

Ya see, I really don't have any close, close friends besides Carol and my mom. I have people from church and a few others, but not anyone very close to me because of a few things that have happened in the last 5 years or so of failed friendships in one way or another that have hurt me to the core, so I don't really let it happen. There isn't anything I couldn't tell her, I love her, she is my mom. So to cut me out like this, wow....it's worse than anything I can think of!! I don't want her in my life, I NEED her in my life. She doesn't even send on those fwd emails either! She talks to everyone else...but not me. My Aunt can hurt her like no tomorrow and she talks to her but me...cut out.

So, when my sis called me out of the blue this morning around that time my mom and I would usually talk, I was on top of cloud 9. WAIT, I still am! GOD was so good to me and knew I needed such a cheering up! I was so overjoyed I ended up bawling on the phone telling her it was one thing and it being another so that my mom would not be peeved at her for knowing about the fight. I know that this blog addy is in my emails, so it is possible anyone could know about this, I just don't care who find out.

My moms behavior has changed dramatically over the last 3 years. She has slowly changed from a loving, warm person to a bitter, sometimes cold person. NOW, before you jump to comclusions, she has had a LOT of disappointment and hurt that could have easily caused any of this but I am wondering if maybe a brain tumor or something that could have brought this on. This is just NOT who she used to be. She has become forgetful and very demanding about you not telling her something when you KNOW you did. She has also become very suspicious and paranoid about things going on around her. Very impatient and unkind about things that would normally not bother her. It's really mind boggling!

Maybe I should not of post this, but at this point keeping it in isn't helping either. I'm torn, hurt, feeling so disconnected since this happened and I want her to know that I do NEED her in my life but if this is how it is going to be, I'd rather not have this kind of pain in my life. It is worth it but only if the circle come back around. I've reached out, it is up to her and I hope that bridge isn't closed by the time she has that circle try to meet mine.

Many things....

2008-10-01T21:21:00.002-05:00

Well, first things first....

Alicia:
Took her to the doc on Monday...said she had "jumper's knee" and when she woke up today, it was doubly swollen and red blotchy marks on the left side of the knee. Doc wanted to see a Ortho doc but none would either take her insurance or couldn't get her in quickly enough so he saw her in the meantime. She is on crutches with the prospect of Bursitis or fracture of a bone in her knee. The amazing part, she hobbled into the docs office and sat in a chair. She was bawling so hard by the time she got to the chair, I asked for a room so she could be in pain more "privately". The receptionist was older and awkward trying to help Alicia and Me, sooooo I stupidly picked her up and carried her to the room.

You ask why, because I saw my baby girl bawling her head off because of the pain and couldn't manage to walk. A well meaning woman trying to help but made it worse and something just came over me and I wanted her in less pain as quickly as possible and this surge of energy came through me and I swept her up. I am paying for it tonight, quite dearly...but the look on her face and in her eyes was enough.

Also, if that wasn't enough, Jake came home and told me that a stray dog came up to him and grabbed his sleeve and continued after him. I called Hobart PD and they were here within 5 min and went and pursued the dog. He had just passed the dog and wanted to get back and have animal control get it before another child got bit since it was close to the time for other kids to get off the buses!! Thank goodness, it only grabbed his sleeve and broke no skin!! Thank you Hobart PD for being there! I truly felt blessed that these officers really are there for me and my family protecting us!

Tonight I am feeling quite...well...overwhelmed and tired. The greatest HIGHLIGHT of my night was seeing DOG the Bounty Hunter on TV on A&E @ 8:30 tonight. That is when the new episodes are shown! Tonight, Deliah (new papillion) was shown for Beth's Pre-bday gift! Beth left a message on her www.dogthebountyhunter.com website that it was Deliah's Bday today! So happy bday Deliah! It was great and I wish I had more chances being on their site!! I miss being able to chat with the Chapman's on their chat room from time to time! It is truly awesome, so check it out!

I've had some stressors on me lately and I think they are getting the best of me. I believe I may be having a flare up. I'm more tired than normal, not thinking as clearly, can't concentrate, headaches, eye pain, just plain old malaise. I'm concerned because I'm doing things that I normally wouldn't do. I don't know, I think I need to touch base with my Neuro. I need to also get a power chair too so that I can do more things when I am feeling better.

I am still dreading my shot Friday. That's such another stressor! I'm down 3-4 days from this and it really drains me! It also sucks because I'm so lonely. I am just downright really lonely. Not that I don't have a few friends (wink wink, nudge nudge! lol), I miss having that "special" someone to lean on or carry Alicia when she can't walk. Or dry my tears when I'm at wits end or comfort Jake when a kid is being a bully. I do all these things, I don't mind..they are my kids!! I'll go to the end of the earth if I have too, but I miss the hand holding, the comfort of someone's arms or the warming words of a man's voice. BUT not so much that I'm ready for a relationship either. I still have a few wounds to heal and a trial to get through first!!

Well, I've bored ya all to tears and 6am comes early. I have to take Alicia and Jake to school tomorrow. One is on crutches and the other is terrified of his bus stop! YAY ME!

Oh, I plan on getting a treadmill for those wintery days and nights I have ahead! I need to stay in shape no matter how much it kills me. Maybe it will help me recover a lot quicker? Oh, tomorrow is baking class and we are making custards or pie shells or something along that! I will blog both cooking and baking classes tomorrow PLUS (it gets oh so much better!) a Billy update! MUAH!

::hugs & kisses::

Waking up!

2008-09-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, woke up this morning and waiting for the doc to open to tell me whether or not I can go to school! UGH! My eye infection came back last night but I already had the drops from a month ago from having it then! Thank GOODNESS! Somebody call the WEEEEEEambulance? HA! Otherwise all is well, the kids are good. I did take Alicia to the Dr about her knees and he said she has Jumper's knee. Well, we went and saw him and I'm not quite satisfied with his answer. Talking to my sis, I think I need to take her to an ORTHO doc now. BUT I had to go through the chain for insurance purposes!! So, I'll update ya on that as we go!

I'm thinkin I'm going to make a Apple-Glazed Pork Tenderloin hopefully this weekend or beginning of next week. I had it in the hospital and it really was delicious!! (crazy, eh?) So, I found a really simple apple glaze and I'm going to try it! Hope the LORD is with me that day, cuz I'm sure gonna need it! LOL

See, I have this phobia of trying new things because I just don't want to ruin a good meal, ya know? But I'll use something small and try it. I really, really need to get over that phobia!

For dessert, I thought I would try this apple pie recipe that I found in a magazine and they are mini pies but simple to make. Soooo, I'll have to let ya know how it goes and if all goes well, I'll post!

Soups...yummy for fall!

2008-09-29T08:17:00.004-05:00

Ok, first lesson since it's fall, I'm going to teach ya'll about some basic soups.

Think of soups this way.....

Ain't nothin but a broth with whatever else you choose to put in it!

So, the easiest way to learn...getchya some stock...beef or chicken...I like Kitchen Basics because of the taste but use whatever it is that is cheap and easiest for you to afford! Now remember you need enough to boil and keep simmering for a an hour or so.

Cut up some veggies if you like..whatever you want to put. We made a Minestrone in class and I actually LOVED it! To know me...veggies are for using a dippin sauce or something on your plate and it doesn't look any color of green at ALL. I do love cucumbers & salad though...go figure! But we did put zucchini, carrots, celery, onion, minced garlic..wow it was great!

Anyway, cut up WHATEVER you want. Now for spices..my idea...smell them. What smells good? Put each spice ya like in a little shot glass or something and then a tiny shallow bowl..start mixing some together and see if the smells come out right. If they do...put it in! Just make sure you remember WHAT and I mean WHAT you use, because this could be a new spice blend for you to use on other things!

Start boiling those together. Now, cut up some meat...ALREADY COOKED! Please do not make the same mistake I did with my chicken and put it in fresh, uncooked. It makes a Huge mess in the pot!! lol Plus you don't want to contaminate your stuff! Now eyeball it and make it proportion to veg, meat and if you are using pasta. There is no right or wrong thing here!

Now let that roll together for a while and turn down the heat to a very low boil/simmer. When the veggies are almost tender, add some pasta if you like. If not, once the veggies are done..voila! You have just made SOUP!

Also, it is OK to taste as you go...just don't burn yer tongue like I did!!!

Also, try different cuts with your veggies! Maybe dice one time, small strips another, angle another or just try different shapes in one pot! BUT if you do that, each veggie takes different times to cook..so think about density and length when cooking!!! Ya'll don't want mush now do ya? lol

Now another idea is maybe to add a low sodium can of cream soup if you want to make it creamy without buying heavy cream. But try it in a small pot if you're scared of screwing up a big pot of soup. I will do this soon and let you know if it works. It'll be a bit but I'll give it a go!

Any questions? Give me a shout! We ALL can learn together

::hugs & kisses::

Where do I want to take this?

2008-09-29T08:03:00.002-05:00

I thought about that today.
*What do I want to accomplish with this blog?
*What do I want to do?
*How far do I want to take it?

Well first, having MS...well you develop a sense of humor because life NEVER takes you exactly where you want to go. There are all these stupid bends and twists and even some stop signs inbetween this road of life! BUT, it's all in how you drive down that road!

I decided there are no limits to this and I am going to blog, add things and develop something here for everyone to enjoy. It is hard being a mom, but a mom who had a career being an EMT-B. I LOVED what I did. I was in school full time also while working full time to become a nurse. When the MS struck, I took an oath to do no harm. I take it very seriously and my doctor insisted that it was time to retire. So, I joined the Jaycees! The MS Society! The Autistic Society and joining church activities like the AWANA program that gives back to our society!

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, raising 4 kids, being an EMT, and now...future CHEF! Why Chef? Because when you feel like crap and don't feel like getting out of bed, food is COMFORT! The taste, quality, smells, sights...mhhmmmm mhhmmm! Nothing quite better! But I'm also interested in taking everyday foods and putting a twist in there.

Until I took Basics in Foods, I never knew how to make soup. NEVER! I didn't know how, through my own fault of not learning. I began to wonder...who else doesn't know how to do this? So here lies in blogging.

Blogging is a way to clear your soul. It's a healing thing. It lets you vent, or talk or do something constructive with your thoughts and feelings. It's validating too because NO ONE can argue with how YOU feel!

Sooooo, as I go through Culinary School, for all those who don't know or want to know and would like to keep up with whats going on in my head and life (that could be dangerous!), here ya go!

Another Thought Again

2008-09-28T20:47:00.002-05:00

It's weird. My ex-mother-in-law hates me with a passion and if you know my ex-husband, he can't really totally cut his apron strings.

I learned a VALUABLE lesson...as long as you TEACH your children what is right or wrong, they will follow your lead and values taught to them. Although I do not like the I'll-show-face to the less than Christian woman, I understand she is their blood and they have to survive too.

In the end, my daughter came home happy and excited and everything worked out. Now my ex-mother-in-law will learn a valuable lesson also, last time she puts them in that situation again! I have lines and boundaries and NO ONE will cross them and if crossed, then consequences are handed out unless a truce is drawn. But the history between her and I...there is no truce because she knows no boundaries! THAT is why we never really got along, I had boundaries and held her accountable to them.

On a health issue, I'm still weak but able to walk around the house slowly. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for me. The aches are almost gone and that is a blessing!

There is a method to my madness, that I have control in my life and even though I feel that I didn't do a good job parenting or feeling like when they go there, they will come back hating me...they come back with a smile and know that it is safe here and there is NO pressure to be anything but themselves!

::hug & kisses:: Nitey nite...have a GREAT night!

Dose of Family

2008-09-28T13:45:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to let you in on something that just happened to me. Out of the blue, I called my only Grandmother that is left and I am SO glad I did. This woman means the world to me! Out of ALL my extended family (out of Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc), she takes the cake...LITERALLY! Our conversation was so awesome and uplifting.

There has been some family turmoil with me and another family member and I realized how important family is. Not to long ago, my Grandmother experienced a beginning episode of Congestive Heart Failure. It could of quickly went south but she prevailed as always. She is 83 and full of spunk still! Although her memory and attitude may not be always what WE desire, she will always be the Grandma who was there for me.

It just brought me such GREAT JOY speaking with her and the way I was feeling just disappeared! So, my advice? Pick up the phone and call someone you love & haven't spoken too. You never know what you have missed but most of all, what could be gone....in an instant. Sometimes you have to overlook the bad to see the good and not everyone is that bad...it is all in what you want to see.

::hug & kisses::

What A Day Already!

2008-09-28T11:32:00.003-05:00

Well, I was up all night for no apparent reason, or at least I thought. I unfortunately slept all day again like I did last weekend! Ughhhh! I hate when I do that. Nothing gets done and I feel like it was all wasted even though I knew my body needed it! grrrr.

I did finally shuffle to the bathroom for a quick shower. That wiped me out so I am back in bed blogging! I missed church and that really hurt, I don't like it when I have to miss it! But I know the LORD understands my heart and know that I was there in spirit listening to Pastor's Bible Briefing as I call it!

Jake has been a wonder to me this weekend! Despite me sleeping ALL day, he took care of the house and animals! I was such a proud mom! He even closed the door of my bedroom for a "better rest"!! How sweet is that?!?!? I just hope this lasts!!

Well the fatigue is really kicking my butt and I can barely keep my head up, so I am going to leave this rest til' later.

Blog back soon. hugs and kisses!

Update of Many Things

2008-09-26T22:38:00.002-05:00

Well, here is an update on me & the kids:

I took my Avonex shot early today and that was the biggest mistake ever. Now I know why they say take it before bed!! I will NOT repeat that mistake!!!! lol The side effects are pretty bad still but I'm trudging through and praying. LOTS of praying!

I have asked Alicia to drop out of Cross Country. She is having a major problem with her knees and shin splints. She also has swelling in her knees. I am taking her to the doctor on Monday to find out what is going on. She also failed the hearing test last visit and they are going to recheck her ears before I schedule an appointment to make sure it isn't ear junk! lol Mike is doing well and is in auto tech. He LOVES it! He finally got his letterman jacket and looks so grown up and handsome in it! My, how time flies! Zachery is well also..a little alusive but hey, that is my son! Jacob is ok, but having some issues. We are changing his meds to help increase his appetite and it is working but he is having attention problems. ICK! I will let the month run out before making any decision on what to do. I need to let him stabelize before we do anything drastic.

The Jaycees:
I went to my Jaycee meeting and chairing a project that is close to my heart. Some of you may not know, my father is a Vietnam Veteran and I am very proud to be a soldier's daughter! ANYTHING I can do to help any veteran, I am so happy to do so!
So, the project is DVD's for Veterans! I am collecting any DVD's that are not wanted(but still working) and we will distributing them to Veterans and Soldiers! Let me know if you have any you would like to donate! medic4666@comcast.net

The Apple Orchard is having a Halloween Festival and is looking for companies to purchase a booth for $100 BUT this includes the signage, candy and anything else needed for the price. This is a chance for BIG TIME advertisement!! Also, the Jaycees will get a percentage to help with Shopping for Needy kids.

Which brings me to another point, this year MANY kids will not have a Christmas because of the recent flooding in our community. Many lost their homes, items and pets. The Hobart Food Pantry's list is getting longer and the food pantry is running low because of so many victims. (we gather our list from the food pantry.) Funds are low for us also by trying to help as many families as we could through this tragic event. Please help us in any way so that we may help as many kids as we can to have a Christmas this year!

We are getting the process going for Christmas trees again this year, I hope you will purchase one when they arrive.

I also sent a email to my favorite show, Jon & Kate Plus 8! I hope they read it and enjoy my letter. I really LOVE this show and think it is so awesome that they can be so open. No one is perfect and I think America frowns on people being real anymore on TV. What a shame! But anyhoo, I did enjoy taking the time to do it!

Chef:
Chef school is going well. We made Pork Chops on Tuesday with an apple & wine glaze with fresh green beans with breading topping. On Thursday we baked cookies. I made Shortbread Chocolate Chip and they came out well! I did not fair well Thursday with all the heat and stuff so that is something that I need figure out. Hoping it was just an off day!

Other than that...geesh...I think that is about it. I'll post again when I am feeling a bit better! Love to you all and GOD BLESS always!

Drying Up..

2008-09-22T20:51:00.002-05:00

Well the Hobart Jaycee's are now looking for donations from the community to help flood victims in our City. Several families have lost EVERYTHING including their home. Please check out this site www.hobartjaycee.com for more information.

Slowly the City of Hobart is drying up and we are ALL thankful for that. It is a reminder though, just how quickly things can disappear. I posted pictures on my myspace and facebook sites. Check them out when you have a chance.

I will be posting about my health with MS soon.

Thanks! :>)

Update Central!

2008-09-13T16:01:00.002-05:00

Wow, I finally found this again. I decided to do this as a way to keep everyone informed of what was going on. It isn't easy and Myspace is great, but I guess this is a way for me to blog about everything...whether the kids, MS, family problems or whatever! I started another blog before but this is about everything that is ME!!

Right now I am in a lot of pain. I started Avonex, an MS injection once a week, but the side affects are HORRIBLE! They said flu like symptoms but I didn't think it would be this bad. I can hardly move and I hurt SO bad! But I''m trying very hard to keep a smile on my face and move. Even if it is just from bed to the bathroom, I'm still moving.

Well, that is all for now, but I hope I figure out more things and post them soon!